Almost all of us or someone in our family food shops every week and we tend to stick to brands that we are accustomed to or have seen in commercials, media or through coupon ads.

But did you know that many of those foods that you like can be replaced by healthier versions?

I’ve made many of these discoveries by trying brands that offer the same or similar taste to the foods I enjoy but have better quality ingredients and less of the bad stuff (like trans fats, partially hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, etc.).

Here are some comparisons:

If you like Doritos….try Late July Dude Ranch Chips

Health benefits include: 

Gluten-free, have 16 whole grains, contain 280mgs of Omega 3s per serving, Non-GMO, contain no synthetic pesticides or chemical fertilizers, no trans fats, no high fructose corn syrup and no artificial flavors, colors or preservatives

If you like Wishbone Salad Dressings….try Spectrum Organic Dressings

Health Benefits include:

A delicious source of Omega-3 ALA. One serving equals 100% of the daily value of Omega-3 ALA.  No hydrogenated oils, preservatives or artificial flavors.  Full of fresh herbs, healthy oils such as organic cold-pressed flax oil and organic extra virgin olive oil.

If you like Kellogg’s Frosted Mini Wheat’s….try Kashi Island Vanilla Whole Wheat Biscuits

Health benefits include:

48g whole grains, high fiber, low fat, sodium free and USDA Organic— Certified Organic by Quality Assurance International.

If you like Skippy Peanut Butter….try Maranatha Nut Butters

Health benefits include:

Different types of nuts such as almonds, cashews, macadamias and sunflower seed butter offer an array of healthy choices.  Only the finest quality nuts used.  Non-hydrogenated oils, no sugar or low sugar and no preservatives.

 If you like Lipton Green Tea….try Honest Tea Green Classic Tea

Health benefits include:

No high fructose corn syrup, only 9 grams of pure organic cane sugar per serving, purified water for brewing and the antioxidant benefits of green tea.

Trying and introducing healthier product choices are not only fun but also a great way to upgrade your refrigerator and pantry with food that is going to benefit your body and well-being.

Alternatives to make you healthier….for Life

Lisa Golebieski, MS  Holistic Nutrition Consultant

NUTRITIOUSLY HOLISTIC

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Holistic Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy  Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

Cell: 973-464-7542

Previously, I’ve written about how marriage isn’t supposed to be ‘fun’.

However, having said that, here’s this: Are YOU a fun spouse? In other words, does your spouse ‘like’ you?

Now granted, there’s always ‘love’, and let’s assume that you do, in fact, love each other for whatever THAT word is worth or for whatever each of us intends it to mean–but let’s save that for another time.

Here we’re looking at an entirely different question, really: here, we’re looking at LIKE. Do you like each other, want to be around each other?

Or does the imminent presence of your spouse give you a belly ache and anxiety or irritation? Or do you actually avoid them even?

Remember when you first dated each other? How were you a fun person? What made you attractive to them? Why did they LIKE you? (If it was money or looks you may stop reading here.)

Isn’t it funny, how, after we’ve been married for a while, we all but cease to be a fun or even pleasant person to be around for one another? How our presence brings up images and feelings, either conscious or subconscious, of stress, conflict, or problems rather than relief, support, or friendship?

Oh sure, even in good, healthy marriages people can admit to working well together as a team to raise the kids, run the household, and share the work of life.

But what about LIKING each other and wanting to be around each other?

So, what makes a spouse fun or at least pleasant to be around?

Here are a few traits which make a spouse likable (I’m sure there are others):

You listen

You are not immediately defensive

You give them the benefit of the doubt; i.e. they are innocent before proven guilty in your eyes, they are good before they are bad–and they can feel it

You hold your opinions, or comments, until after you have listened and validated feelings

You like THEM

…and…you have a degree of mastery of your life

I’d say that last one bears a brief description.

Having a degree of mastery of our lives by definition means that we have gotten pretty good at living. It doesn’t mean that we’re perfect or that we’re without our problems or hangups. But it does mean that we’ve attained a certain degree of true adulthood in our attitudes and coping skills, and that even our philosophies of life have been given some deliberate thought.

What it doesn’t mean is that we’re always flying by the seat of our pants, procrastinating, not following through, not taking care of ourselves, or not thinking about the other person or about the consequences of our words or actions. Leave all that stuff for the kids.

In short, people like to be around people who are at least somewhat comfortable in their own skins, who are thoughtful and considerate, who do what they say they’re going to do, and who seem to like them as well.

So I say to you: Get some allies that will help you achieve this last trait, and work on the other four traits starting NOW.

You too will soon regain some of the LIKE in your marriage.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand a Few Things First)

www.DrFerraioli.com

After some years at this, it occurs to me that there are a few key components that help a person improve their self-respect and therefore their joy and satisfaction in life.

Here are five of them:

you see yourself doing what you’re supposed to do

you see yourself treating people fairly

you observe yourself taking good care of your health

you feel yourself being empathetic towards others

you sense that your personal power doesn’t fully depend upon what others think of you or how much you have

Briefly, let’s start with the first one: You see yourself doing what you’re supposed to do.

How many times have you KNOWN what you were supposed to do but did differently anyway? Well, the more you observe yourself doing that, the lower your self-respect will become and the more you will open yourself up to chronic anxiety and depression, among other things.

Number two: You see yourself treating people fairly.

When you take your anger or your anxiety out on people–kids or adults–you build up guilt and/or shame. The more this happens, the more it will affect your self-respect in a negative fashion, which will, again, open you up to chronic emotional difficulties.

Number three: You observe yourself taking good care of your health.

Sort of related to the first one (they kind of all are, really). If you continue to overeat, eat the wrong foods, refuse moderate exercise, stay up too late and get too little sleep, among other things, you will eventually have both physical and emotional problems, not the least of which will be low self-respect.

Number four: You feel yourself being empathetic towards others.

When we judge people it is often because we either don’t know enough about the situation or because we are being personally triggered by it. The way to get past this is to follow my LVAC technique: Listen, Validate, Ask some questions, Comment (judge) last. As you become a better friend, spouse, parent, community member, etc., your self-respect will improve.

Number five: You sense that your personal power doesn’t fully depend upon what others think of you or how much you have.

Build your internal reference point for self-worth and you’ll be less and less dependent on any external reference points. And as long as you are doing the other four things on this list, you’re going in the right direction towards building a solid sense of self and a strong self-respect which will help improve your emotional stability and joy.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand a Few Things First)

www.DrFerraioli.com

So, not a new topic here, but one that keeps coming up: When you are having a discussion with your kids, do you find yourself talking WITH them or AT them?

I recently asked someone to give me a play-by-play of a recent discussion he had had with his child, and it went something like this (as always, the facts have been significantly changed in order to protect the innocent):

Dad: Come down here, I need to talk to you.

Child: No.

Dad: No, really, get down here.

Child: Oh, fine!

…………

Child: What!

Dad: You need to let us know if you’re not going to be coming straight home after school.

Child: (mumbles)

Dad: What did you say!?! Look! You need to listen to me when I’m telling you something! Don’t just think you can live in my house, eat my food, and disrespect your mother and I…..(goes on to talk for the next three or four minutes).

So, what do you think? Does this sound familiar?

A hint that the kid in the above example has already ‘checked out’ of the conversation and that he/she knows what is coming next (i.e. the dad’s rant) is the mumbling. This has clearly happened before–probably repeatedly–for the kid to react this way.

As parents we really need to recognize these hints and not steamroll right past them because of our burning anger or other strong emotions. Instead, we need to use these momentary observations to help us change our tactics and to change the course of our conversations with our kids as they are happening.

We, the parents, are the ones who can make it right and help make it end well; we are the leaders, not them.

We are the ones who need to learn to handle ourselves the right way and to guide things towards a healthy resolution or compromise. They don’t know how yet, and we must teach them by showing them. By doing so we also model good communication and conflict resolution skills for them.

In the above example, the dad might have used the observation of the ‘mumble’ to realize that the kid was about to check out of the conversation, and he could have used that knowledge to pull the kid back in:

Child: (mumbles)

Dad: What did you say?

Child: Nothing.

Dad: No, really. Look, dad loves you okay? And I want to hear what you are saying.

Child: Why? You never listen anyway?!

Okay, NOW we’ve got something good going on here, with an open door for a better beginning and ending to the conversation, since dad can now say something conciliatory like, “Okay, you’re right. So, now I am listening.”

Unfortunately, when I’m teaching parents how to do this, they often want to get defensive with their kid around every turn, so that even if they’ve gotten this far, instead of saying, “Okay, you’re right. So now I am listening”, they’ll want to say something defensive like, “Well, if you’d listen to me, I’d listen to you too.”

We really have to be careful about turning the tables on our kids like this, because as the tables turn, so do our roles: we become the child who is angry at not being listened to, which leaves the ACTUAL child no room to be the clueless and skill-less child themselves. Now it’s the blind leading the blind, so to speak.

And we actually wonder why they are so angry and disrespectful? How can they respect us as their leaders, teachers, and parents, if we don’t display our unique ‘adult-ness’ to them–something different from and more mature than their ‘child-ness’? Why would they want to listen to us and learn from our example if we don’t give them an example that is different from what THEY do?

Be the bigger person with your kids, because you ARE the bigger person.

Some years ago I invented the term Emotional Credibility, by which I mean two things combined: Trust plus Likeability.

How can our children trust us with what they are going to say if they already know that we’ll become defensive with them? And if they can’t trust us to listen to them and ask them about their feelings–to draw them INTO the conversation rather than shutting them out–then why would they like us or want to be around us?

In fact, speaking about inventions, I also came up with L-V-A-C: Listen-Validate-Ask-Comment as a way for us to remind ourselves that we first need to listen and validate them, then ask them some open-ended questions to draw them out further. Our often brilliant comments can come last, thank you.

Try it. It really works.

And it will help you build back your Emotional Credibility with them which will help heal the relationship and put you back in your professional role as Parent.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand a Few Things First)

www.DrFerraioli.com

Those of you familiar with my work know that I’m always chasing down topics that can sometimes seem old fashioned, out of style, or, at best, just plain common sense.

Unfortunately, though, if I’m writing about something it’s because I’m seeing a whole lot of it out there in the world, both in my professional settings and at large.

Today’s topic is commitment. And I’ll give you the bottom line right away to save you some time: In general, the sooner you decide to commit, the sooner you can move on to actually living; the longer you take, the more time and energy you’ll waste fighting yourself all the way instead of living (and building) your life.

The Work Wheel and The Love Wheel of The Bicycle of Life 

There’s a Work Wheel and there’s a Love Wheel and they go on what I call the Bicycle of Life.

And the question is simple enough: Are you committed to anything on either Wheel?

If so, then what are you committed to?

We are really never free to live if we haven’t committed to some things. Commitment lays the foundation upon which to build a life.

Are you committed to your marriage?

Are you committed to your work?

Your role as a parent? To your community?

The magic of deciding to make a deliberate, conscious commitment is that we are then free to take it from there. We are free to make changes and adjust course prudently as we move forward. If we never commit, at least to a few essential things in life, we remain in a continual state of internal conflict and worry about whether or not we are ‘happy’ or whether we are doing the right thing for ourselves.

In the extreme, the latter can be paralyzing and can suck up precious years of our lives.

Let me just tell you: Commitment is not an ending, it’s a BEGINNING. 

I’m not quite sure why there is such widespread misunderstanding of commitment. (Though I’ve learned some possibilities about why in my day to day work over the years.)

Try it: Make a decision after appropriate thought and due diligence. Then commit to that decision and feel the personal power and release of chronic anxiety and indecision that follows. Feel how making a commitment–how finalizing and ending your perpetual search and settling down in whatever particular area or areas of your life–sets you free to proceed from there; in other words, to live your life.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand a Few Things First)

www.DrFerraioli.com

We’re too soft for marriage nowadays. We really think it’s all about being with someone who will “make” us happy–well, it’s really not and never was. And besides, the only person who can make you happy is you.

Nowadays we get married to “complete ourselves” with someone else, not to cherish the other person. It’s really become about, “What have you done for me lately?”, instead of, “What can I do for you baby?”

We don’t even listen to the words “‘Til death do us part” and “In sickness and in health” anymore. In fact, we don’t even use those words anymore in many wedding ceremonies these days, and, if we do, we’re just not listening to ourselves saying them.

No, friends, we’ve truly become too soft for marriage. We really just can’t handle it anymore. Better we should stick with our prenuptual-agreement-laden civil union contracts, which everyone tacitly understands to be temporary anyway, designed to bust apart with the first real difficulties. And by all means, let’s get that dastardly word “Holy” out of “Holy Matrimony” for god’s sake, can’t we?!

Let’s run our three-legged race with our legs tied together with paper instead of rope, just in case the going gets too uncomfortable or mundane. After all, there might be someone else we’d rather be married to just around the bend. And it’s not like marriage should actually permanently end the hunt, now should it? Gotta keep them options open!

And, by the way, feel free to continue to do those activities you always did before getting married:
Going out for the usual drinks with the guys or girls? No problem.
Strip club? Check.
Endless pickup games or hunting trips? Go for it.

Why let a little thing like marriage change who you are or what you do?

If your spouse doesn’t constantly cater to your every whim, wish, and fantasy, get rid of him or her.

If you can’t be the center of their universe every waking moment of the day, chuck’em because they’re just not “completing you”.

If you’re not happy with them for some reason or multiple reasons, by all means don’t actually talk to them about it; just develop a nasty little attitude towards them. Be resentful all the time. Simple.

And, if you suddenly find yourself one of the millions of victims of the dreaded, “I-love-you-but-I’ve-fallen-out-of-love-with-you” syndrome–by all means, just move on man, so you can get yourself back “in love” as quickly as possible, won’t you!? After all, you wouldn’t want to NOT be in a perpetual state of blissful in-lovedness, would you? No, not even for a moment, perish the thought!

Yes, we’ve gotten too soft for marriage.

Marriage is not about and never was about having fun.

Marriage is work. Marriage is commitment. Marriage is supposed to be permanent and life-changing. It’s supposed to help us grow up as we grow together.

Nobody says we have to be perfect, especially when we’re first learning the ropes. We’re allowed to screw up, especially early on.

But learn we must, and we must make it a point to become skilled at being married–at listening, at talking to one another. At actually caring about, thinking about, and prioritizing the other person. At cherishing them.

How many people do you know who actually think about marriage like that? Or at all for that matter?

Heck, maybe marriage licenses should just be temporary, just like fishing licenses are. They’re each worth about as much as the other nowadays anyhow, and, besides, it would be very convenient to be able to pick up both in one trip to the local Walmart. (Fishing licenses in the Sporting Goods section, Wedding licenses in Accessories.)

No, it’s really just no use. Maybe just stick with the fishing license instead. Fishing we can handle.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.
Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand a Few Things First)
www.DrFerraioli.com

Have you ever done something stupid? Sorry for the rude tone of the question, none was intended, I assure you. Anyway, I KNOW that I have….

But, really, have you?

The point in my asking this rather pointed question is simple and it is this:

Right before the moment we do something stupid, there is another moment, the one I call The Moment BEFORE the Moment.

It’s the moment right before we do something stupid.

Before we reach for the bottle.

Before we cheat on our spouses (or on our taxes).

Before we eat the wrong food or too much food (again).

Before we abuse a controlled substance.

Before we ignore what our bodies are telling us.

Before we say something we will regret saying.

Before we react physically.

Before we spend inappropriately.

Before we skip something we know we shouldn’t skip.

Okay, you get the point.

Technology now allows us to image the parts of the brain which are in control of us in The Moment BEFORE the Moment.

Not surprisingly, these brain bits are not thought to be under our full conscious control or awareness.

And, further, my clinical experience has taught me and reinforced the fact that, for most of us, The Moment BEFORE the Moment is one in which there is not much conscious, deliberate thinking going on at all, which makes good sense, since we do so many stupid things in the very next moment.

It’s like a brain flat-wave; a brain wasteland. It’s beyond what the Zen masters call no-mind; it’s vapid-mind.

So does this mean that we’re really not responsible for our destructive, often regrettable, behaviors?

Nonsense.

What it does mean is that we must learn to make ourselves vigilant about The Moment BEFORE the Moment. It is always there, lurking.

We each have the potential, at any hour of the day, on any day of the week, to do something stupid.

The trick is to begin to learn to recognize The Moment BEFORE the Moment it happens and to change direction quickly, unreservedly.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.
Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand a Few Things First)
www.DrFerraioli.com

Do you DO intimacy with your significant other?

No, I don’t just mean sex here; I’m talking about emotional intimacy.

Do you talk intimately to one another? Tell each other what you like, dislike, want, don’t want–from each other, from life?

Do you sit next to each other sometimes in your family room or living room just because? Or at least while reading, listening to music, or watching T.V.?

And do you hold hands while sitting with each other?

It’s quite interesting how many couples I run across in my professional work who are uncomfortable with each other when it comes to intimate moments.

They have great difficulty looking at each other in the eye, talking to each other about their feelings, wishes, hopes, desires, etc.

And if things do get a bit intimate or if one of them tries to get close either verbally or physically, the other makes a wise crack, a joke, or a sarcastic comment:
“Hey, who’s this Mr. Touchy-Feely all of a sudden?!”
or
“Hey, cut it out and be serious!”

It’s hard to learn to take risks with each other by sharing intimate words or gestures if we know that the other person will not go along with us or that they might even make fun of us or immediately deflect or reject the attempt.

Many couples who have been together a long time develop problems in their sex lives, which most often can be traced right back to these very same issues regarding the degree of general intimacy between them.

Work on saying the things that are uncomfortable for you to say:
“I really love you.”
“You are the greatest.”
“I really love the way you….”
“You’ve always been so good at that.”
“I love your eyes/ears/neck/forehead.”

And work on doing things that are uncomfortable for you to do:
Hold hands.
Give a warm hug.
Give a loving kiss in a non-let’s have sex now-kind of way.
Rub the other person’s back/neck/hands/feet.
Sit next to one another.

Soon, you will rebuild the overall intimacy in your relationship which will set the groundwork for all sorts of great re-awakenings!

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.
Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand a Few Things First)
www.DrFerraioli.com

Every year we all make resolutions and if they are health related, one of the best strategies to attain and keep those resolutions is to stagger them throughout the year.  Instead of trying to eliminate or change everything the first of the year, make one goal a month until you reach all of your resolutions.  It’s easier to focus on one at a time than several at once.  Plus, it’s less overwhelming and you’ll be happier.

For example, if you would like to cut out or reduce your sugar intake, make that a one month goal then ADD on your next goal for the following month (such as reducing salt).  Adding on new monthly goals will help you achieve all of them by year end…making them more attainable.   Once you attain each monthly goal…you must continue to carry them out…in other words if you reduce your sugar intake for the first month you must continue to reduce your sugar intake throughout the year (you don’t just do that for a month and then go back to eating more sugar).  This is why it is suggested to ADD on a goal each month…it keeps the momentum by adding a new goal to the one(s) you already continue to achieve.

Using this staggering technique for all your healthy resolutions goals such as:

• giving up smoking
• exercising more often
• eating 5 or more fruits and vegetables a day
• getting more sleep
• taking vitamins
• getting a physical
• spending more face time with family and friends and less time connected to gadgets
• taking 5 to 10 minutes a day in a quiet place to meditate or free your mind

All of us have something we would like to improve or change upon and the easier we make it for ourselves the better and more satisfying our lives will be.

What resolutions or goals would YOU add to your list?

Happy New Year…..Happy Healthy You

Lisa Golebieski, MS  Holistic Nutrition Consultant

NUTRITIOUSLY HOLISTIC

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Holistic Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy  Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

Cell: 973-464-7542

Catchphrase = Awareness

When you speak, how aware are you of why you are saying what you’re saying?

If you’re like me then, sometimes–especially in close personal relationships–you’re not very aware of why at all.

And how good are you at tracking down the feelings that you’re having; the ones which are fueling your words? Again, maybe not so good?

It is undeniable that, in general, when we speak, we are feeling something. And it is also undeniable that many of us aren’t very good at knowing what we’re feeling and, therefore, why we’re saying what we’re saying.

One of my fundamental questions to myself when I speak (when I remember to ask) is this:

“Who are you really talking about here?”

Another question I might ask is:

“Why am I speaking?” (not—”I shouldn’t speak”—but, “What is my intention here?”)

For so many of us, speaking out loud involves multiple agendas, both conscious (known to us) and subconscious (unknown to us), but we are usually only aware of the conscious agenda. We often fail to realize the subconscious or preconscious agendas of what we are saying or about to say:

Conscious agenda: I need to tell my spouse that I need my book, calendar, key— whatever— back.

Subconscious agenda: Ever since my spouse lost, gave away, sold, destroyed my (insert item which was important to you here), I really don’t trust him/her anymore with my stuff.

Therefore, when I finally speak to my spouse about giving me my stuff back, I might say it in an accusatory or irritated-sounding way because of the actual, true agenda at hand, i.e., that I’m conflicted about trusting them.

Or how about this one:

“I really don’t think we should go to your family’s house this year for Christmas. It just stresses me out.”

Possible translation:

“YOU’VE been stressing me out and I’m not willing to deal with both you AND your family this year.”

You see, it’s very important for us to study ourselves and what we are really feeling.

More specifically, it’s important for us to study and to learn to recognize our emotional derivatives—i.e., the flavor, look, or sound of the subconscious agendas in our words, based on feelings we are having but not fully acknowledging to ourselves.

How to Fix This

So why don’t we simply acknowledge or register our emotions to ourselves so that we can know them consciously and therefore find a way to communicate them more directly and healthily?

It’s because somewhere in our lives, either as children or in our earlier adult lives, we learned to hide our emotions from ourselves.

And we did this because those emotions—and what we might say or do (or did say or do) with them—as well as the repercussions of all that saying and doing—was too frightening for us, so we learned to just stuff them.

The body, of course—by which I mean the mind, heart, subconscious, etc.—doesn’t just get rid of strong feelings, so we are left with indirect communication based on these emotions. In other words, we speak, but know not what we are really saying.

So the next time you find your mouth moving and words coming out, try asking yourself this very important question:

What am I feeling right now?

And go from there.

This will serve you well in helping determine who is really in the words that you speak.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com/id2.html

www.LVACNation.com

Stress, especially during the holiday season, can take a toll on our bodies not only physically but also mentally.  It can contribute towards the development of many diseases, insomnia and a deficient immune response.   In general, stress weakens the body from the inside out.  The digestive tract tends to be most affected by stress followed by neurological and circulatory systems and lastly the muscles which accumulate some of the tension and toxins produced during the stress response.

Here are some ways to cope, reduce and eliminate stress from your life:

1. HAVE MORE FUN - Do things that you enjoy and that help you to relax.
2. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS – Emotions need regular venting; unexpressed emotions are the building blocks of stress, pain and illness.
3. EXERCISE – Regular physical exercise is a great way to clear tension and feel good.  Include massage therapy, yoga and meditation for complete relaxation.
4. DEVELOP GOOD RELATIONSHIPS – It is important to have friends in whom you can confide and find support.
5. EXPERIENCE LOVE AND GRATITUDE – Experiencing love and gratitude with others or even pets is known to be the ultimate way to reduce stress.
6. EAT A WELL-BALANCED DIET – Three healthy meals and two snacks per day.  Avoid high amounts of sugar, caffeine or alcohol.  Take digestive enzymes to assist with digestion of cooked food.

As an added benefit, I have put together (after much research on vitamin therapies) what I call the Anti-Stress/Sleep-Aid Cocktail which consists of the following:

NUTRIENT        AMOUNT

Vitamin C             500 – 1,000 mg           Helps with mineral absorption

Calcium                 500 – 750 mg

Magnesium            350 – 500 mg

Potassium              300 – 500 mg

L-tryptophan         500 – 2,000 mg  OR  5-HTP (5-hydroxy-tryptophan)  50 –200

Note:  Tryptophan is only available through compounding pharmacists and doctors.  You can readily find 5 HTP in natural foods stores and pharmacies.  Please check with your physician before taking any supplements.

This cocktail is best taken one to two hours before bedtime.  Start with the lowest dosage and work your way up if needed.

Make the holidays or any other time of the year stress free so you can enjoy all the fun and happy times life has to offer.

LIVE WELL……AND BE HAPPY!

Lisa Golebieski, MS  Holistic Nutrition Consultant

NUTRITIOUSLY HOLISTIC

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Holistic Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy  Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

Cell: 973-464-7542

The way we live every day goes against our nature.  Biologically we are modern Homo sapiens who happen to be (animal) primates.  We forget about that since we are so preoccupied with the lifestyles we created in everyday life.  Hence, we have many primal needs that get ignored.  We need to pay attention to making changes that will encourage a lifetime of good health the natural way.

1. Get Your Body Moving-  In the age of the cave people, it was considered survival to walk and run to gather food, water and supplies.  Today we call it cardio.   The body naturally needs exercise to keep it in prime condition and help improve brain chemistry.
2. Soak Up Some Natural Light – Human beings need sunlight as we thrive on being outdoors.  Back in the day when we lived off the land, getting enough sunlight was never an issue.  But today many of us spend hours in fluorescent-lit offices/buildings or offices with no windows .   We thrive on sunlight for our mood, energy and well-being.  Vitamin D, which your body manufactures from the sun, is critical to our overall health.   It is recommended to get 10 to 15
   minutes of sunlight per day without sunscreen.  As a word of caution, do not over-expose yourself to too much sun in order to avoid sunburn.
3. Eat Food That Is Real -  Foods that grow in the earth , like vegetables, nuts and fruits are power foods for the body.  Nothing refined, synthetic or hydrogenated should be consumed as our bodies are not meant to metabolize food that is not natural.
4. Beware of Predators -  Keep prescription drugs and over-the-counter drugs to a minimum. Only take what is absolutely necessary.  Too many OTC’s or prescription drugs create havoc on the body, especially the liver.
5. Connect With Others Face to Face – As primates we are inherently social beings and enjoying bonding with others.  Ironically, while us Americans are more “connected” than ever, we’re also increasingly cut off from each other. We feverishly text, e-mail and use social networks such as Facebook and Twitter, but have less and less quality face time with people we really care about.  Our virtual reality is devoid of the essential primal elements of bonding, namely touch, eye contact and the processing of pheromones.  In order to satisfy our human need to bond, sometimes it is best to go back to “the olden days” and be in the presence of others.
6. Get Plenty of  ZZZ’s-  Naturally we should be going to bed when the sun sets and get up when the sun rises.    Most of us, because of our busy lifestyles, are not able to abide by the natural rhythms of our bodies and the earth. The gold standard  is eight hours of sleep every night.  We require this amount of sleep to conserve and restore energy.  Put away computers and televisions at least one hour before going to bed.  Staring at a glowing screen can suppress the natural production of melantonin, a hormone that’s critical to the normal sleep-wake cycle.
7. Create Some Healthy Downtime –  Naturally we require time to unplug, unwind and go play.  Anything to just give our bodies and mind a rest on a daily basis.   Emptying our minds allows us to think more clearly and recharge our batteries.   Find an outlet every day even if it’s just for five minutes to just sit, relax, talk a walk or day dream.

Keep all these tips in mind as your body will thank you for the many healthy years to come!

Lisa Golebieski, MS  Holistic Nutrition Consultant

NUTRITIOUSLY HOLISTIC

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Holistic Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy  Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

Cell: 973-464-7542

Otherwise, you may be surviving, but you’re probably not thriving and enjoying.

I call this emotional space or state of being your ‘happy’, and after a while without it, we inevitably feel more burnt out, more anxious, more hopeless or discouraged, less energetic and creative, less patient and empathetic, and, overall, just less enthusiastic about our lives.

So what’s the feeling one gets when one has their happy?

It’s the feeling that life is good. You don’t feel particularly rushed or stressed, and you’re not full of anticipatory anxiety about tomorrow or later today. Doom and gloom is replaced with optimism and confidence; self-loathing and self-doubt with self-respect and self-assurance.

When you have your happy, you feel tranquil, at peace.

You are not overly rushed and frenetic; you feel a sense of mastery over your day and your life.

You are also in the ideal state of mind and spirit in which to grow as a person and to live deliberately and more consciously. When you have your happy, you conduct your relationships with less self-centeredness and with more empathy and understanding.

Getting Your Happy Back

Now I want to share with you a way to get your happy back.

First of all, make sure you’ve always got some flex time in your schedule. Chronically feeling like you’re overworked and in a race with the clock is a sure way to lose your happy.

If your workweek is so packed that you can’t have much flex time (a situation which, in itself, should be examined for any room for change), be sure to leave your weekends as free as possible for some rest and spontaneity. I, for example, have resigned from certain professional organizations, groups, clubs, and other activities because, as much as I may have loved them, they took up too much of my flex time and therefore threatened my happy. This has sometimes required some tough decision making, but I’ve always almost immediately felt the benefit.

Secondly, make sure that you are not chronically procrastinating. This one habit alone will pour so much subconscious guilt and anxiety into you that you’ll have no chance at getting your happy back—you’ll be too busy feeling guilty and vaguely anxious all the time.

Thirdly, and closely related to the above: take care of business.

In other words, set up some kind of system or schedule that helps you get the necessities of your life done when they need to be done, as consistently and as competently as possible. Let yourself be proud of what you do and the quality with which you do it, but don’t strive for perfection, which can be crippling and work against your getting your happy back. There’s nothing more toxic to your happy than not feeling like you have some degree of day-to-day mastery over your life.

And lastly, once you’ve gotten your necessary tasks and obligations taken care of (taking care of business), and once you’ve eliminated putting things off (procrastination), and stopped over scheduling yourself and your family (flex time), you will have the necessary emotional space and tranquility to relax and enjoy your life! Welcome back to your happy!

By following steps one through three you’ve eliminated some of the most common reasons why people lose their happy.

You will then have no reason not to relearn how to relax and enjoy your life with its relationships and with its work and its play.

Oh, and a big BTW: You also need to learn the Serenity Prayer, which asks for the serenity to accept what we cannot change, the courage to change what we can change, and, finally, the wisdom to know the difference between the two. That prayer is an absolute necessity and it will round out your program very nicely.

Best of luck,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com/id2.html

www.LVACNation.com

Or maybe it was more like, “You NEVER such and such..!” (listen, care, understand, etc.), or, “You’re ALWAYS GOING TO…!” (be this way or that way, do this or that, make me feel this way or that way, etc.)?

Or perhaps you LABELLED the person with statements such as, “You are such a [blank]..!”, or, “You’ll never be [blank]…!” (jerk, responsible, etc.)?

I call these statements “generalizations” and they can be destructive not only to the relationship, but, and especially when used with children, to the other person’s self-image and self-esteem.

For example, if I say to my child, “Put your bicycle back in the garage please”, but then I also add, “Geez, you never listen!”, or, “Come on, I’ve told you a thousand times!”, now I’ve made a generalization which does two things: First, it tells them more about me and my overwhelmed internal state than they need to know and therefore puts us at risk for role reversal, i.e., them having to take care of me emotionally instead of vice versa, since I’m the one freaking out, and, second, it “labels” them as a “never listener” so to speak.

In one fell swoop, I have lost some of their trust in me and my ability to handle myself and to guide them in life (remember Emotional Credibility?), and, at the same time, I have begun to undermine their self-esteem and self-image by labeling them.

The funny thing about acting out our pain on others this way, (i.e. by making generalizations), is that it makes the other person ultimately trust us less and it also tends to make them act out more in reaction to our generalization. In fact, they will often do so in ways directly related to the label we’ve given them.

So, for example, if we tell them they never listen, guess what? They end up listening LESS.

If we tell them they are a jerk, guess what? They end up acting more like jerks with us.

If we tell them they ALWAYS do something which annoys or angers us, …you get the gist.

What we need to remember is that when we turn a person into a generalization, we are effectively putting a separation between us and them. In other words, we are becoming more distant from them, not more emotionally intimate.

Think about it for a moment: If your tendency is to say things in a tone which is upsetting to me and all I do in return is to yell at you stating that you ALWAYS use that tone with me, what have I accomplished?

Maybe in the small minority of cases, you would learn that I don’t like that tone and you’d change it, no questions asked. Fat chance though.

The majority of the time, you’d get defensive OR you’d pull away from me. AND I’d get even more of that behavior from you because nothing really ever got resolved with my generalization.

If, instead, I focused on the present example of this behavior which bothers me (i.e. your tone), I am now simply pointing out your behavior to you in the present and what it does to me. I am not attacking you by labeling you or telling you how much you s@%k (insert popular adolescent and pre-adolescent word here–one which neither you nor I would EVER use of course.)

Make no mistake, when we generalize somebody, we’re attacking them. It’s a counterattack more than a communication. We are frustrated or otherwise hurt by them, but we are not saying that to them, and we are NOT working through the issue with them in the present when we generalize.

And, assuming that they are a human being, they will likely react, and if it’s a human of the little child variety, then they’ll also internalize the generalization and it’ll become part of who they eventually are as adults. Not good.

Don’t believe it?

When you are in the privileged position that I am in, day in and day out, and are allowed to share in the stories of thousands of wonderful people each year, you learn:

The fifty year old procrastinator was once a twelve year old child who was repeatedly LABELLED a procrastinator.

The forty five year old expert at self-sabotage was repeatedly told that they were a “screw up.”

And, in the case of marriage and marital-type relationships, you’ll lose Emotional Credibility with the other person, which, as you might recall, equals trust + actually being liked by them and them wanting to have you around.

So please, don’t generalize with your loved ones, communicate with them instead. Stay in the present with the behavior that’s happening right now, not in the past or the future.

And, above all, good luck and be well.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com/id2.html

www.LVACNation.com

by Lisa Golebieski

Autumn is upon us….we can look forward to cooler weather, beautiful foliage, Halloween and best of all pumpkin picking!

Pumpkin is one of the most overlooked vegetables.  It’s ridiculously low in calories (only 49 calories per cup of mashed pumpkin) while very high in potassium (564 mg, which is about 33 percent more than a medium banana).  It’s also high in vitamin A and beta-carotene which is t…ypically found in all orange foods.

The balance between potassium and sodium is critical to our overall health.  Potassium works with sodium to maintain the body’s water balance and thus protects against hypertension.  High dietary potassium intake significantly lowers blood pressure and decreases the risk of stroke.

Increased consumption of high-potassium fruits and vegetables such as pumpkin may help preserve calcium in the bones…right where it belongs.

Besides potassium, the beta carotene (one cup of mashed pumpkin contains 5,000 mcgs), alpha-carotene (853 mcgs per cup) and beta-cryptoxanthin (3,500 mcgs per cup) helps reduce the risk of lung and colon cancer.  There is also evidence of reducing rheumatoid arthritis.

Your eyes will thank you because pumpkin has more than 2,400 mcg of lutein and zeaxanthin, which are fast becoming the star nutrients in eye health and vision protection programs.

Lastly, Pumpkin is an excellent source of  vitamin A (12,000 IUs per cup).  There is also a little bit of iron, calcium, magnesium and phosphorus as an added benefit.  In addition, a cup of pumpkin contains colon healthy fiber…more than 2 ½ grams.

Need ideas on how to incorporate pumpkin into your diet?  Here are five ways to enjoy it!

1. Roast pumpkin slices with cinnamon, top with whipped cream and chopped pecans.

2. Blend  low-fat milk or yogurt with canned pumpkin, cinnamon, ice and pure maple syrup to taste.

3. Saute chopped pumpkin and broccoli florets with soy sauce. Serve over brown rice and garnish with pumpkin seeds.

4. Try pumpkin ravioli…check the gourmet department of your local supermarket.

5. Process roasted pumpkin with chicken stock, salt and pepper. Serve under chicken or veggies as a tasty alternative to rice or pasta.

6. Bonus:  Pumpkin pie!  Enjoy a slice while watching “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”….a  classic favorite for everyone of all ages!

Lisa Golebieski, MS  Holistic Nutrition Consultant

NUTRITIOUSLY HOLISTIC

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Holistic Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy  Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

Cell: 973-464-7542

In my upcoming book, “Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)”, due out on amazon.com later this month, there is a chapter which I’ve entitled Man-Boys and Angry Wives.

In that chapter, I state:

“In a marriage [or marital-type relationship], many men initially have a difficult time making the transition to fully accepting the fact that, as of the day of their weddings, they have agreed to a larger agenda and goal now: to continuously work on building and customizing a life with their wives.”

The problem is that many of us never consciously realize this and so we half-innocently go about our lives as though it were still a continuation of the day before the wedding (or other serious relationship commitment.) It’s half-innocent, because nobody’s ever taught us the right way. (But not totally innocent, because we’re not children anymore either, so we ARE ultimately responsible for our choices and our behaviors.)

But this lack of understanding causes problems. In fact, it’s how we help create the Angry Wife part of the dynamic:

“Angry wives are in large part created as a result of these major disappointments or “shocks”, combined with whatever they themselves (the wives) bring into their marriages from past hurts and disappointments perhaps not immediately related to their husbands but triggered by him today.”

So there we have it; a recipe for marital -or other serious relationship- DISASTER.

As time goes on, the man continues to try to live his life the way he knows how, and the wife continues to build up resentment and mistrust in her man as she experiences disappointment after disappointment and hurt after hurt.

(If you’ve been following this blog, you also know that, needless to say, the sex, or physical intimacy, eventually goes out the window along with the emotional intimacy and trust; and this is what often finally gets the man’s attention—see my previous “Sex and Marriage” post.)

Next, I’m going to give you three examples of “man-boy types” from the book:

1) The sportsman type

2) The social animal type

and

3) The no-job-no-ambition type

Let’s start with the sportsman type.

Again, from the book:

“This is the man-boy whose angry wife is resentful because of all the time he spends playing in after work sports leagues, playing fantasy football, or playing cards, gambling, or otherwise focusing on regularly planned activities which do not involve her at all.”

The problem with this is that, once we marry, the meaning of time changes:

“To an overwhelmed, harried, busy wife, especially if there are kids involved or a career, even a few hours once or twice a week in which her husband is engaging in some sort of activity independent of her and the project of their lives together can present a conflict. He is spending this extra time away from not only her, but from the life they are trying to build together, which should be his first priority.”

Next, the social animal type:

“This one seems to engender even more anger and resentment from the wives, than the first kind. This is the guy who tries to continue to hang out with his (usually unmarried) buddies from college, professional school, or work. It could be happy hour on Wednesday nights or meeting up with them on the weekends, all while his wife is either working, taking care of the kids, or managing the household.”

And, finally, the no-job-no-ambition type.

About this type, the book (lovingly and respectfully) tells men:

“Unless you are physically or mentally disabled, which I’m assuming you and your wife would know about, you are pretty much obligated to engage in some sort of productive work activity in your life. Above all, the perception by your wife that you are either lazy or incompetent will breed anger, resentment, and, eventually contempt.”

Now for the “trainability” part I mentioned earlier.

Lest you should think that I am a self-hating former man-boy, I want to tell you ladies that this is only half-true (I am not self-hating.) I also want to say that we men are unique and different from you in several important ways, two of which are as follows (incidentally, these are both generalizations since they may not be universally true for every couple, man, or woman):

1) Men are wired to feel more emotionally intimate when they are having, are about to have, or have had PHYSICAL intimacy (i.e. sex) with you, whereas you women are generally wired to feel more sexually available when you are feeling more EMOTIONALLY intimate with us. So we are very much wired differently, in general.

and

2) Men have what I call a built in “kamikaze” reaction. In the book I describe it as follows:

“One thing I’ve observed about men is that, once they sense that they are already seen as failures or as having failed in their spouses’ eyes, they almost all tend to become angry in return, as they conclude that they’ve irreversibly messed up. “

What follows with the kamikaze reaction is the old, “Well, I screwed up now and she’s mad/disappointed/repulsed/cold/etc. already, so f@&k it!” (As I say in my office, ‘scuse the language here.)

So, if you know these two things, you now also know that:

1) You and he need to rebuild the Emotional Credibility (which equals trust + liking each other) before there can ever be healthy emotional OR physical intimacy. (So, in other words, you have to work together to help him go from man-boy to man so you can trust, respect, and like him again.)

and

2) (from the book): “Women who are becoming angry and resentful towards their husbands will get much more mileage (and results!) by first trying to gently support the husbands’ efforts to change instead of immediately going on the attack.” (So, in other words, try not to immediately punish him or withdraw from him (i.e. get cold) which will trigger the “kamikaze” boyhood reaction in him and you’ll lose him at that moment.)

Well, there it is in VERY BRIEF summary.

My final, parting words to you are these: To the men, don’t worry or feel bad. It’s just a matter of building up your skills, which you can easily do if you read this blog regularly and practice; if I did it so can you!

And to the women, seek to understand the realities of the man-boy and you’ll have an easier time dealing with your husband as he grows into the man you need him to be.

Now, go out there, work hard, have some fun, and help each other grow up!

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com/id2.html

www.LVACNation.com

I propose that moms and dads make it a point in their heads and in their hearts to take a few moments here and there to regularly have conversations with their kids, and NOT just when something’s wrong.

You may be uncomfortable with this at first, or maybe a bit confused as to why it’s important and how to proceed with it, as you may have never have had this behavior modeled for you when YOU were a child.

Chances are that not many of the adults in YOUR childhood, if any, made the deliberate decision to have regular conversations with you. So I’m going to show you how to do it very simply and effectively. But first–why it’s an important thing to do.

By the time we reach adulthood, many of our patterns of thought, emotion, and communication have already been set. I like to think of these patterns as ‘grooves’ in the brain (figuratively speaking).

In adulthood it is quite difficult to change these grooves appreciably from the patterns that created them in our childhood years.

So, for example, if, in your family of origin, it was not encouraged to share or to talk about emotions or thoughts, you will have grown up with a deep groove that makes you tend towards keeping these things to yourself. Maybe talking about situations in your life doesn’t even occur to you, or, if it does, you can easily be shut down or angered by shame or other kinds of discomfort or by any sort of gentle confrontation or challenge.

This personality trait would then ultimately influence who you choose to marry and how you raise your own kids. Perhaps you might subconsciously choose a spouse who cannot tolerate you talking about your emotions or moments when you are not ‘strong’, thus reinforcing your original family’s pattern.

The problem with this is that it cuts you off from connecting properly with yourself, your spouse, and your kids–but because that’s all you know, that’s what you will do and that’s what you will model for your kids.

Some side effects from all this disconnect can then be various acting out behaviors such as various addictions, escapism, mood swings, depression and anxiety, etc.

And so on.

Now let me share with you a very simple, very powerful technique you can use when you choose to deliberately spend a few minutes having a conversation with your child, thereby teaching them how to be emotionally intimate and connected with you.

It goes like this:

First of all, ASK QUESTIONS.

Here’s the immediately wonderful thing about this: YOU don’t have to know what to say or where to begin!

And make at least some of your questions open ended. By open ended I mean conversation starters/stimulators as opposed to conversation ‘enders’:

‘So, how’s it going?’

‘What’s up?’

‘Tell me about your day today.’ (not technically a question, but an open-ended request nonetheless)

Then listen.

Maybe ask some follow up questions.

And by all means, validate the kid’s thoughts and emotions instead of immediately contradicting them or becoming defensive or challenging.

Just remember to save your comments for last, if you need them at all.

You can learn more about this technique–which I call LVAC, and which stands for Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment–in this post: http://drferraioli.wordpress.com/2010/10/12/an-lvac-primer/.

Good luck and Happy Conversations!

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

LVAC Nation!

Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com

www.LVACNation.com

If you have already began living a healthier lifestyle by eating better, exercising, reducing stress and keeping your weight under control, here are some ways to stay motivated and maintain your new way of living.  After all, we only have one life to live and we should make it the absolute BEST one we will ever have in every aspect of
our lives!

1.  Keep the Confidence

The more you accomplish, the more you’ll believe in yourself.   When you see how far you have come in improving your lifestyle, the more confidence you have in keeping it that way.  That is motivation in itself!

2. Make the Week Easier

Ever felt like a week was taking forever? It feels like Friday, but it’s only Tuesday?   When you have a goal in mind, the week will not only go faster, but it will also be more enjoyable.   Every week schedule something fun and new that you can look forward to.

3. Give yourself purpose

Every once in a while, we need a good reason to get out of bed.  Eat the healthy breakfast that’s going to jump start your day, go for your morning jog/ walk, listen to your favorite CD/music to get you going, contact a supportive friend for extra inspiration, etc….When you’re motivated, you have a reason to do what you do.

4.  Daydream

Take some time every day to daydream!  This is a favorite because when you daydream you can “envision” your continued goals and new desires making them that much more attainable to you.

5. Power of Momentum

It’s a scientific fact – something in motion tends to stay in motion. Momentum builds quickly and can lead to great results. Suddenly, you’re not only working for the goal, but also to keep your streak alive.

6. Spread the Spark

When friends and family see how hard you’re working, they’ll wonder how they can reach their own goals. Guess who they’re going to look to for help? By staying motivated, you’ll not only help yourself, but others too.

7. Keep Gaining Experience

The more you do, the more you will learn and understand. You’ll discover which tactics work best for you and which ones don’t. It’s like weeding out the garden – not the most enjoyable job in the world, but when you’re done, all that’s left are beautiful
flowers.

8. Reward Yourself

What’s better than rewarding yourself for all you have done to accomplish your goals of a healthier lifestyle!  Some ideas include trying something new that you have never done before, going to a favorite restaurant, seeing a play, going to a movie/concert, spending time with family or with a special friend, making love with your spouse or significant other (Did you know that a healthier lifestyle also boosts libido? An added bonus!) Choose anything that you personally find rewarding and makes you happy!

For more motivating wisdom click on the attached link from Dr. Ferraioli entitled Living Deliberately
http://drferraioli.wordpress.com/2010/09/30/living-deliberately-reprint/

LIVE WELL ……STAY MOTIVATED…….BE HAPPY!

Lisa Golebieski, MS  Holistic Nutrition Consultant

NUTRITIOUSLY HOLISTIC

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Holistic Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy  Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

Cell: 973-464-7542

When I finally did so, I not only felt relief, but I was also grateful.

I was grateful that my work always seems to push me towards more and more personal growth as I grow professionally, negotiating various situations and challenges as they come up day to day.

These two things, professional and personal growth, are intertwined quite intimately, as are personal growth and interpersonal relationships.

In fact, I used to write about something called The Bicycle of Life, where I described the two wheels as the Work Wheel and the Love Wheel, representing professional and relationship growth, respectively.

My theory was, that as we grow (and grow up) in life, the Work and Love Wheels of the Bicycle of Life represent major opportunities in adulthood to learn about ourselves and to get back to who we really are. Our work and our relationships bring us back to ourselves.

So the other day, not only was I glad for the immediate relief of having solved a problem, I was also thankful that I had learned yet another new piece to the puzzle that is me—this time through the challenges on the Work Wheel.

It was at that point that the old Bicycle of Life came back to the forefront of my mind again.

In childhood, we don’t always get the opportunity to learn all that much about ourselves, depending on how closely the adults around us were able to validate our feelings and ask us open-ended questions as we tried to work through difficulties, instead of becoming angry or dismissive with us.

Kids don’t necessarily know how to negotiate difficult or complex situations, thoughts, and emotions, so that the adults around them are the ones who really need to help them work their way through these things. (You can Google “Dr.Ferraioli LVAC Technique” to learn about the LVAC Technique, which I developed for the sole purpose of guiding adults’ behaviors towards helping their kids in this very way.)

Now because the childhood opportunities for accruing self-knowledge and self-awareness were so limited for most of us, I like to think that our work and our relationships (i.e. the Work Wheel and the Love Wheel), represent a sort of ‘second chance’ at finding or re-finding ourselves in adulthood.

So the bottom line is this: You will learn a great deal about yourself through your work and your relationships. This includes how you respond to difficulties and conflict, to changes, to intimacy, to your various impulses, and to commitments. It also includes how you communicate your thoughts and feelings in various situations and during various interactions with others.

You stand to gain an invaluable degree of self-awareness and self-actualization if you look at your life as a series of events and situations which can teach you the intimate details of who you really are.

How closely do YOU observe yourself as you live your life on the Work and Love Wheels of the Bicycle of Life?

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com/id2.html

www.LVACNation.com

Here it is:

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Prophecy and speaking in unknown languagesand special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

-1^st Corinthians, Chapter 13, Holy Bible (NLT)

Shared by,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com

www.LVACNation.com

One of the major issues and challenges for adults and children with Asperger’s is their inability to accurately interpret and modulate their anxiety and the environment around them. They are often stuck in a vaguely defined distress- or pre-distress-fraught emotional space, trying to identify or make sense of what’s happening around them or to them at any given moment.

LVAC is a Technique I invented to maximize empathetic communication. It was designed to help you meet the other person where they ARE emotionally rather than where you THINK they are.

My point in writing this is that I think that this skill translates very well to communicating with an Aspie, where empathy—or really trying to be accurate about your understanding of where they are emotionally—can be an extreme challenge.

So I am going to briefly explain the LVAC Technique, then I’m going to share some observations I have made, either directly or indirectly, about how the Technique can be adapted for use with a child or adult with Asperger’s. (Note: I am NOT going to get into any neurophysiology, neuropsychiatry, neurochemistry, or neuroimaging, as you can easily read up on these topics these days on the internet. I am also going to stay away from neuroanatomical terminology as it is not necessary for what I want to share with you.)

LVAC

LVAC stands for Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment.

The gist of it is to hold your Comments for last. These Comments might include: 1) immediate answers or “solutions” to what YOU perceive to be the problem, 2) telling the person what YOU would do, 3) making a judgmental statement, and 4) asking a closed-ended question where the answer is already in the question. (e.g. “You’re not wearing that are you?!”)

Some Examples of the Uniqueness of the Aspie

Okay, now I want to share with you what I’ve learned about a few differences in trying to Listen, Validate, Ask, and Comment with those on the spectrum.

Number One: You are dealing with a human being who is fundamentally wired differently than most of us. Given any stimulus, (noise, color, voices, depth, human emoting), what may occupy YOUR central attention very likely is NOT the main focus for them. So, for example, if you are focused on color, they may very well be focused on shape or height or sound. If you are focused on the calming nature of something, they may be tortured by the anxiety-provoking nature of that very same thing (and vice-versa).

Number Two: Their anxiety, worry, and fear triggers—and how they overcome them—may well be VERY different from what they are for you. Something which you might be able to overcome quite easily or with some soothing words or touch may stick very hard for an Aspie. Worry can become obsessive and extremely threat-laden for someone with Asperger’s, so that when you are trying to soothe them, you have to be cognizant of this heightened vigilance to a threat that you may very well NOT be perceiving. (e.g. A television program in a doctor’s office, a song on the radio, or a smell in the air like a woman’s perfume may trigger an anxiety, worry, or fear  response deep in the emotional-modulation parts of the Aspie’s brain which you may not perceive or understand.)

Number Three: And speaking of the above, what might calm a non-Aspie down may very well further agitate someone with Asperger’s—e.g. Saying “you’re just going to feel a bit of ‘pressure’” may trigger a whole cascade of vague, undefined, and dark worry about what this word ‘pressure’ is supposed to mean in the context of getting an injection, causing a higher threat response. Becoming angry, incredulous, or indignant with their reaction or noncompliance will further agitate them. The more you display how frustrated you are with them or how much you DON’T understand what’s happening to them, the more torturously lost, abandoned, and desperate they are feeling. Given how already tenuous is their hold on feeling connected to you or to their environment in the first place, it doesn’t take much for an Aspie child to escalate verbally or physically once they start falling into the abyss of further disconnect from you and from their environment.

LVAC for Aspies

So then, LVAC for Aspie = more creative, more effort, more inductive and deductive thinking, and, most of all, more heart. Maybe we’ll call it The Ultimate LVAC!

Practicing the LVAC Technique with anyone is difficult enough, because it goes against our nature to Listen first, Validate next, (instead of answering, ‘solving’, or judging—all are Comments), then to Ask open-ended questions that give the person space to talk, and, finally, to save our Comments for last.

With an Aspie, it’s going to take everything you’ve got.

Listening with Your ‘Aspie Ear’

You’re going to need to Listen with both of your ears, plus your third ear, what I call your Aspie ear.

The Aspie ear doesn’t just hear within the context in which you’re used to hearing. It hears on a much, much broader scale.

When Listening to a person with Asperger’s—and this includes observing them even if they’re not actually communicating verbally at the time—you’ve got to think of AS MANY POSSIBILITIES AS YOUCAN about what they are actually saying with their words or their behaviors. It’s kind of like when we physicians make a ‘differential diagnosis’: we list out all the possibilities of what might be causing the patient’s presenting symptoms.

Your Aspie ear doesn’t just ‘hear’ what is said or done; its intention has to be to hear what the Aspie may actually feeling or communicating.

You’re going to Listen like you’ve never listened before. You’re going to be Detective Columbo and your Aspie ear is your tool.

Sometimes you’re going to hear a very concrete, direct question, thought, or feeling, and that’s fine.

But, at other times, what you’re going to hear is actually what I call a ‘derivative’ of what’s really going on. This means, for example, that you may be THINKING that you are hearing happiness or silence, but what you are really hearing is worry, increasing anxiety and disconnect, and a pending outburst.

Validation

Validation is very closely related to, and very often produces, both a calming effect and soothing in a person.

For a person with Asperger’s, this is especially important as it can prevent escalation of their anxiety, worry, or fear reactions.

It can also be exceedingly difficult, especially if you haven’t used your Aspie ear to first identify what is really happening for your Aspie.

What can be validating to one person, can be quiet invalidating to another, depending upon how closely we’ve Listened to them and to their heart to begin with.

For someone with Asperger’s, a random, uninformed, hug, touch, or word, may very well cause greater distress.

Asking vs. Commenting

In order to Listen and to Validate the best we can, we often need to Ask one or more open-ended questions in order to learn more about what the other person is going through at the moment.

This can be especially challenging to do with an Aspie, as they may not have a clue themselves as to what they’re feeling or why—they may just be in distress.

This is why asking OPEN ENDED questions is the best approach, because it will hopefully encourage and entice the Aspie to talk more so you can Listen more with your Aspie ear.

Examples of open-ended questions: “What’s up?”, “How are you doing?”, “Can you tell me more?”, and, “What are you thinking about?”

Notice how I’ve stayed away from asking “How are you feeling?” This is generally a very low yield question in general, and especially with someone on the spectrum. Instead, appealing to their thoughts rather than directly to their emotions tends to get the conversation moving more smoothly and productively.

Lastly, try to stay away from too much assuming, random guessing, or direct Commenting with your Aspie, as this can be almost immediately toxic and anxiety provoking for them.

Instead, use the approach I’ve described, which can be used with anyone, not just those with Asperger’s, but tweak it the way I’ve described and observe for yourself the differences in your interactions with your Aspie.

I’d love to hear about your own experiences, so please make comments to this post, on whatever website you may be reading it.

All the best,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com

www.LVACNation.com

Ever feel tired, grumpy, sluggish, depressed or anxious even though you may not have an apparent reason to feel that way?  Sometimes your diet can contribute towards how you feel.  What you eat everyday plays a role on how the chemicals in your brain function.  Believe it or not, but cravings for sugar, salt, fried/processed foods actually have a negative impact AFTER we eat them.  We may crave certain “junk foods” for immediate satisfaction and once we eat them we feel worse than before we consumed it.

During my journey into Holistic Nutrition, I’ve discovered there are foods hat actually help you feel happy, satiated and calm.

Here is a list of “discoveries” to try:

1.  Folate-rich Foods

Folic-rich, dark leafy greens (and asparagus). A small amount of 200 micrograms of folate can help you feel happier.

2.   Fish

Rich in Omega-3, the polyunsaturated fatty acids may be mood stabilizers, which can
aid in your mental health. You may get your Omega-3 source from fishes or fish oil supplements including krill oil. You can also get your Omega-3 from flaxseeds,  cauliflower, red kidney beans, and broccoli.

3.   Selenium-rich Foods

This brain mineral helps keep your smiley’s and you can find this in your sea foods,
whole wheat foods, lean meats, oatmeal, brown rice, eggs, tofu, or even your low-fat yogurt variety.

4.   Organic Dark Chocolate

If you can shop for organic dark chocolate (such as Green & Black’s) that’s your best choice for helping your body release endorphins to make you feel happy.

5.   Mixed Nuts

Try one handful a day. Walnuts help replace those stress-depleted B vitamins, brazil nuts give you an excellent amount of zinc, and almonds boost vitamin E, which helps fight cellular damage linked to chronic stress. Buy nuts in the shell and think of it as multitasking: With every squeeze of the nutcracker, you’re releasing a little tension (but please don’t use your teeth to crack open nut shells!)

6.    Blueberries

Blueberries are abundant in antioxidants and vitamin C, which are known stress-busters. Antioxidants help remove toxins (called free radicals) that circulate in our  body. These free radicals damage our organs and cause us to age faster, that’s  why we need to remove them. Blueberries are also loaded with fiber, which is  good for digestion. Some studies show that blueberries and strawberries may prevent cancer by removing these destructive free radicals.

7.   Maca

Root Maca is a powder made from a Peruvian root and can be found in certain supplements and drink mixes. Maca root contains a phytonutrient that can help ward off anxiety and depression, provided that you can find the unprocessed form.  In its  natural state, just one glass of tea containing maca root has more nutrients than a serving of most fruits and vegetables, including the nutrients calcium, iodine, iron, magnesium, and potassium. Some studies have found that maca root is just as useful at fighting depression as prescription antidepressants since it contains so many nutrients that are useful for improving mood. Plus since maca root is natural it does not have as many of the risks and side effects that are associated with prescription anxiety medication. Maca root powder can be made into a tea of sprinkled over other foods to give you the maximum health benefits.

When you feel happy, your body will be free from disease… and vice-versa. Without a healthy lifestyle and diet, your body will suffer physical sickness which can lead to emotional stress. If you’re not eating the right food, it can surely impact how you feel. Just steer clear from processed foods and always choose natural, healthy options which make you feel simply lighter and happier. The key to food is moderation and if you have persistent forms of mood swings, anxiety or depression, it is important that you seek professional medical help from your psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor.

(Also see Dr. Ferraioli’s post on how to help someone calm down: http://drferraioli.wordpress.com/2011/07/28/how-to-help-someone-calm-down/).

Strive to Be Calm and Happy every day for Life!

Lisa Golebieski, MS  Holistic Nutrition Consultant

NUTRITIOUSLY HOLISTIC

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Holistic Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy  Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

Cell: 973-464-7542

Without this personal core, we may be alright living our lives for a while before we eventually experience some sort of ‘midlife crisis’ or some other kind of emotional cataclysm which may even involve self-sabotaging behaviors that our subconscious minds put forth as the answer to the problem of having no true core.

And if we happen to have people or organizations relying on us, it becomes ever more dangerous to go along coreless as we find ourselves faced with more and more complex decisions the further along we go.

Examples include: politicians who paint themselves into ideological corners based upon what they think the public wants to hear and what they will vote for rather than what they themselves truly believe, sports figures who try to be role models for kids but who have yet to become true adults themselves, entertainers who are pressured to get high ratings for the station no matter what the cost to their own personal or professional integrity, and even we parents who want to be ‘friends’ with our kids while trying to bypass any well defined adult role as teacher and guide for them.

The outcomes of each of the above examples hinges upon whether or not the person involved has made a deliberate effort in their lives to define for themselves a personal core. And that’s because we are made much less effective, and sometimes even downright dangerous, the weaker or more nonexistent our core.

I don’t think that we as a society do a particularly good job of identifying a personal core in ourselves, nor do I think that we do a good job of teaching our children how do it.

In fact, I think that just the opposite is true: the more interconnected we become and as the internet and the media become one with each other and with us, the more we will learn to pay more attention to following the current trends and less to what’s actually happening inside of us. Tomorrow’s leaders and overachievers have continued to evolve in the direction of learning how to study specifically for and to perform extraordinarily well on standardized tests, and of creating heuristics out of their educations; they may very well come out of their eventual Ivy League alma maters almost entirely ignorant of who they really are as people and without much introspection at all—truly vulnerable to any and all outside pressures and expectations at the expense of any semblance of a personal core that they may or may not have.

Instead, generalized anxiety is on the rise, as is divorce, as well as a more general inter-and-intrapersonal disconnect.

At each of our personal cores are the fundamental components identified long ago by Sigmund Freud—namely our capacity to work and to love; I would also add the other central variables of what we truly like, don’t like, want, and don’t want.

My own take on all of this is that we should be using this life not just to live in continual reactivity to what is outside of ourselves; we also need to use life to learn about ourselves based upon our work and our relationships, our true likes and dislikes—in other words, based upon the lives we live.

As we live our lives we need to keep in mind that there is an actual person inside of us and a process that’s supposed to be going on there. We need to consider that life is an opportunity to learn more about that person as we go through the process of observing our reactions to other people, to ideas, to work, and to our relationships.

And we should be noting these things as we go along, honing our personal core.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com

www.LVACNation.com

If you’re old enough to remember the song, you’ll have a hard time getting the tune out of your head…”Whoooooo are you? Who who? Who who? I really wanna know! Whooooooo are you? Who who? Who who?” (And, later, for us adults, the song asks pointedly, “Just who the f&*k ARE YOU!!!”)

But really, do any of us really know who we are?

And how far do we ever really get in finding this out in our lifetimes?

I mean, how well do we really know our family and medical histories, our genetic and environmental proclivities, our social and cultural histories?

What does it take to really get to know ourselves? Where are we supposed to be looking for the answers? And what are the intangibles we should be considering?

The older I get and the more I get to know people and their intimate stories, the more I have grown to respect the vast span of emotional territory covered by the question, “Who am I?”

Psychotherapy can help find some answers.

History and family history can both help.

Spirituality and religion can help.

But have you ever really followed the facts of your life back far enough to begin to truly understand why you are the way you are? Why you like or dislike certain things on an instinctual level? Why you feel very comfortable and thrive in certain types of situations and feel totally out of sorts in others?

Let me explain using myself as an example.

Me

When I think about my own life—where I am now as compared to where my genes have come from—I start by knowing that I am the son of Italian immigrants who came to this country after surviving the second World War.

In addition, I know that I am the youngest boy of the youngest boy on my father’s side, and I am the youngest boy of the second to youngest girl on my mother’s. (Got that?) And so I know that these facts of my birth order make my numeric age a bit deceiving since I’ve got siblings and first cousins anywhere from a dozen to thirty years older than I am—I’ve often been surrounded by and have identified best with people who were much older than I.

I like to say that ‘my genes are older than I look’, if that makes any sense—or that I’m a ‘young dinosaur’, a moniker given me by a friend some time ago.

Nonetheless the facts I’ve listed so far might help illustrate to you how these things can help us make sense of ourselves.

Given what I’ve just shared with you about my story, for example, you might understand why I might sometimes feel as if I’m living in the wrong time period (too modern), or even in the wrong part of the world. Or why I might identify very well with people almost twice my age at times, or why those my own age escape me sometimes.

And your own facts will help you do the same.

Some more examples…

I know that my family is Catholic.

And not just Catholic, but quite literally, Roman Catholic.

Try as I might have in the past to ignore or disregard that fact, it seems to have always come back to me somehow and to have become relevant to me in some intangible way in my life. Why?

 I know that there are medical conditions which run in my family for generations in both countries.

As a younger man, these seemed almost completely irrelevant to me since I was young and strong and had boundless energy to compensate for them. Now, as I enter early middle age, my genes are talking to me in this way too, as I am once again faced with whatever issues rise to the surface from deep within my DNA code.

I know that there are certain temperaments that seem to run in my family as far back as we know about. As a psychiatrist I have particular interest in these aspects of what makes me who I am and what makes you who you are.

For example, if you need a professional worrier or ‘fixer’ for you, I’m your man—it’s just part of my inborn temperament, as it is in the temperaments of many of my colleagues in the healthcare fields, as well as those in the clergy, law enforcement, education, and the military.

But I am always on guard for any aspects of my inborn temperament which might be counterproductive or even destructive to me, as you must be about yours as well.

I know that my genes were tuned partly towards city life and partly towards the country, my mother’s family being from the former, my father’s from the latter.

Suburbs have always felt a little foreign to me (I live in one now), and with this knowledge it’s completely understandable to me why that is—I could feel VERY comfortable on a big front porch sipping lemonade with friends and family (or maybe that should be ‘lemoncello’ I suppose); but I can also feel extremely at home living in an apartment in a big city and going downstairs to walk over to the local café for some coffee and conversation with strangers or to do some reading.

I know that for me—like for many of you—wars, poverty, and personal tragedies have left a shadow of trauma somewhere way back in my pedigree. The impact of these historic family traumas can and do have strong implications for us and for future generations—ones that we are often unaware of consciously—things like generalized anxiety, hypervigilance and worry, and even irritability or sadness when things outwardly look fine and tranquil in our own lives today.

I know that academia and learning have always appealed to me, carrying the genes of my mathematician paternal grandfather in my fiber.

I also know that I have a passionate heart which can run counter to those very same interests, passed down to me from my other grandfather, the one who led a VERY colorful life, to put it politely, during the early and middle parts of the last century in Italy.

I know I have genes of priests in me.

I know I have genes of court jesters in me.

I know I have athletic genes that beg for the outdoors and a heart-pounding good sweat.

I know I have bookish genes that beg for my leather reading chair and a quiet, dimly lit corner to read and to study in.

I know I have anxiety genes somewhere in there and maybe a touch of some depressive ones in the mix as well.

I don’t happen to have particularly addictive genes, but I’m learning more and more about what it means to have them from those that do.

So what about YOU?

What would happen if you had a way to go back in time and place to where YOUR genetics were originally from?

You might find yourself a suburbanite somewhere—or as close to one as might have ever have existed—living in a kind of compound or village with houses within walking distance from one another, filled with relatives and close family friends and allies.

Or maybe you’d be a wanderer, most comfortable not knowing where you’d be sleeping tomorrow night or what and with whom you’d be eating.

Maybe you’d be  a warrior, full of energy, decisiveness, and courage, fighting for what was right and defending the defenseless.

Maybe you’d be curing the sick or healing their souls.

Or perhaps you’d be something that might surprise you in a frightening way or in a way that you’d not be particularly proud or that would confuse you.

From here…

Whatever the case may be for each of us, I think it is both useful and important to try to learn as much as possible not only about who we are today in our lives, but also about who we were meant to be by our particular genetic makeup, social, and family histories among other things.

That way, when we are feeling out of sorts—which we all do sometimes, even YOU if you’ll admit it!—when we are suffering somehow or feeling strangely unhappy or unsatisfied with whatever or wherever we might be; when we are confused by the gap we might feel between our lives and our drives—maybe, just maybe, we can find some solace and perspective if we look back far and wide enough with deliberate observation and study.

And maybe we can begin to understand ourselves better and with more compassion.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com

www.LVACNation.com

Ever feel like you are “on top of world” after you’ve eaten a healthy meal, exercised and got enough sleep?
Nothing in the world can compare to being in control of your health through taking the best possible care of your body….you only get one and so we all need to protect, pamper and make sure it’s going to be in the best working condition possible throughout our life.

Ways we can boost our own self-esteem include:

• Appropriate Exercise
• Proper Nutrition
• Adequate rest

Some tips to get started:

• Weight is not a measure of self-worth. Why should it be? Your self-worth is your view of yourself as a total person. Strive to achieve or maintain a healthy weight but do not obsess over it.

• Let go of perfectionism. Particularly if you eat healthy almost every
  day. Don’t worry if you indulged a little at a party, social event or holiday. Think of all the healthy nutritious foods as “a good thing to eat frequently” and the junk food as “something to eat only occasionally.”

• Develop a more positive body image. Through daily exercise (try a new sport you think you will enjoy. Not only will it be fun but you will also increase your self-esteem just by trying something new and different). Also, appreciate your body’s functional nature. Thank your legs for carrying you around. Thank your arms for being able to embrace someone.

• Educate yourself (and those around you) about healthy eating and lifestyles. The more you learn and know, the more you will feel confident in taking excellent care of yourself and of those you love.

• Surround yourself with positive people. Those who have a positive outlook about their lives, their bodies and how they care for themselves have better self-esteem. If your surround yourself with positive people, it will become contagious!!

• Concentrate on developing a healthy lifestyle, not losing weight. If you are on the road to losing a few pounds, developing a healthy lifestyle is a positive activity, while losing weight usually is based on a negative self-image. Keep the focus on how you can develop a healthier lifestyle rather than counting calories.

A healthy lifestyle involves both choice and action. The choices you make each day, and the actions you take on those choices, can lead to a healthier lifestyle.
Making positive choices in the areas of physical fitness, stress, relationships, and nutrition – and then acting on those choices – promotes a sense of better self-esteem, accomplishment and well-being.

Live your life with healthy confidence each and every day!

Lisa Golebieski, MS, Holistic Nutrition Consultant

NUTRITIOUSLY HOLISTIC

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Holistic Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

Cell: 973-464-7542

These days, we regularly read about and hear about how to build our self-esteem and how to preserve our children’s self-esteem in magazines, on television, on the radio, and in books.

Maybe it’s the economy, the environment, social changes, or any number of other factors that we are exposed to today.

And maybe it’s also an age-old yet timeless part of the human experience.

Whatever the case may be, amidst all the barrage, do we even remember or know at all what a healthy self-esteem actually feels like? Even for just a few moments?

I want to ask you to do something: Picture a time in your life when you really felt happy with yourself. I mean honestly, truly happy with you. Just you.

Not with a possession, not with a particular accomplishment, and not with a relationship; just with yourself.

Are there such moments for you in your life? If so, what were they like?

Being a psychiatrist, people are often interested in whether or not I think that they are doing the right things or making the right decisions in their lives.

Sometimes those questions involve things that could affect the person’s self-esteem in some way, shape, or form; changes that they want to make.

For example, people have asked me if I thought it would be “healthy” for them to get plastic surgery—a nose job (rhinoplasty), breast implants, tummy tuck, or liposuction.

Or, they might ask about gastric bypass surgery, hair replacement, or hair removal.

How about professional teeth polishing or veneers (“…they’re painless now you know, doc…”)?

Should I lose more weight, gain more muscle, or put lifts in my shoes?

Should I only wear certain colors or avoid others?

Dresses or pants?

Full suits or sport jackets?

And I don’t mean to make the last few items sound trivial, because for some people, they really are not trivial at all.

The fact of the matter is, all of us, to some extent or another, have to negotiate a sense of self-security and self-esteem on a regular basis.

And many, many, things can affect it, including failures, successes, relationship and financial status, work and family issues, etc.

Without getting all psychiatry/analytical with you, I can simply say that you often have more leeway than you think regarding what seems appropriate and what doesn’t regarding building up or keeping your self-esteem.

As long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone else, you can often—after appropriate research and professional consultation if it’s a procedure you want done, or some open and honest discussion with a friend or family member if it’s not a medical procedure—pursue options which may personally help you feel a greater sense of self-esteem by helping to address something that perhaps you’ve struggled with internally for a very long time.

Of course, nothing can replace the self-esteem that comes from a tranquil inner peace and an accurate sense of—and an appreciation for—who we really are as individuals. That all comes from the inside.

But I think it’s wrong to judge ourselves or others too quickly when deciding to do things that make us feel good about ourselves, especially if no harm is being done, and if those things are very specific and relatively few in nature.

Yes, one can go too far with this and essentially become addicted to temporary quick fixes which never lead to lasting change.

But my professional experience has been more full of people who made well thought-out decisions in which they were able to take charge of and change an aspect of themselves which they simply could not make peace with, often for their whole lives up to that point, and often after much internal struggle, growth, and change.

Some particular examples include those whose self-esteem was strongly affected by childhood anomalies like moles or birthmarks that they were exquisitely sensitive about despite therapy, or a lip or palette issue of the mouth, or a hair loss problem, severe scarring acne or other skin issues, or teeth problems. Others have struggled all their lives with metabolism issues despite making significant psychological and nutritional progress. And some had body changes after giving birth or upon getting to a certain age which they could not make peace with no matter how hard or how long they tried—again despite positive, disciplined, and healthy interventions along the way.

I’ve seen permanent and lasting change in many who have “fixed” issues which they could simply not reconcile within themselves and their lives. I’ve seen them become better spouses, better parents, better workers, better neighbors, and just plain happier and more positive people.

These are the stories which often give me pause and which make me ask myself: How much therapy would be required to make a small stone stop bothering me if it were in my shoe? (Answer: none!)

So if you’re thinking of getting a procedure done or making a change–of addressing any particular aspect of your appearance, personality, or environment in any way at all–please make sure you open yourself up to others and explore it first. Choose people who would be empathetic with you but who would also point out the potential pitfalls or dangers in your plan. And also be open to the hard work of trying to change how you feel about yourself from the inside first, for that is where our self-esteem ultimately comes from regardless of what else we do on the outside.

Then, after your due diligence is done, I wish you good luck and let’s see what you can do with your “new life”.—Go For It!

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

LVAC Nation!

Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com

www.LVACNation.com

You know, ‘stuck’, as in, ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t’ sort of stuck.

Maybe you had to make a decision about something but all the options seemed stressful and unacceptable to you on some level or another.

When we’re in a quandary because all of the available options that we come up with seem unacceptable to us because they cause us more anxiety, fear, shame, etc.—then we are officially ‘stuck’.

And here’s the very practical, very real problem with being stuck in a particular situation like this: We might find ourselves acting out in order to get out of being stuck, thus making the situation worse.

So, for example, if I have a financial problem but every solution engenders fear or anxiety in me (like discussing it with my wife, for example), then I might just blow all the rest of the money, or somehow make myself too sick to work, or I might even get myself fired—all of which which will make things much worse.

Some people might act out sexually by having an affair, or with drugs or alcohol, or with bad business decisions or procrastination.

Whatever the method we use, the acting out process represents our subconscious mind ‘solving’ the ‘unsolvable problem’ for us, albeit in a destructive way.

So the bottom line is, if we don’t consciously come up with some acceptable solution to the problem making us feel ‘stuck’, or get some help doing so, then our subconscious will ‘solve’ it for us, and not in a productive way.

Going back to our first example, if a couple is having financial problems but say the husband is worried or fearful about sharing this with his wife and feels increasingly stuck and alone, one thing that can happen is that his subconscious mind might lead him to decide to have an affair.

Now, of course, problem solved!—No marriage, no problem!!

Not good.

Or if a wife is completely stressed out but continues to try to hold it all together for fear of disappointing or upsetting her husband but then finds herself increasingly alone in her struggle and her suffering, what can happen? Addictive behaviors, angry acting out at work or with the kids, ‘retail therapy’, affairs, etc., are all possibilities.

So the key is to begin to recognize when we are feeling stuck, which means recognizing when a problem seems ‘unsolvable’ to us.

The next step is the get some help.

Talk it out with someone, because, more often than not, there is a solution and it’s often one we haven’t come up with because of the strong emotional load the problem holds for us that it may not hold for the person we’re talking to about it.

This way we can get a clearer, more objective view of the possibilities for a healthy resolution to our problem or situation.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com

www.LVACNation.com

Well, narrowing it down to ten is difficult, as people have truly taught me so much over the years, but I’ll try:

1. Be spiritual, even religious. Don’t be afraid of the “R” word. And don’t be too afraid of delving a bit into whatever religion or spirituality you lean towards or that feels right and true to you—maybe it’s even the one you were born into! And be consistent so that it has a chance to get into you.

2. Take care of business TODAY. Procrastination is often fueled by fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of imperfection, etc. It also saps away your vital life energy and tranquility, which you could use for other things.

3. Don’t seek chaos. It’s an unnecessary habit and it ultimately produces unneeded anxiety, confusion, and feelings of being out of sorts and disconnected from yourself. This includes unhealthy relationships and all acting out behaviors such as alcohol and drug abuse, sex addictions and affairs, AND retail therapy.

4. Read. Someone once told me that a person will always be happy as long as they have books to read. This includes Kindles and Nooks! Reading takes us into the minds and hearts of others and it broadens our perspective and our paradigms which helps when life makes us feel anxious, depressed, or afraid.

5. Exercise. You don’t have to go overboard. Just do something which lets you feel in touch with your body and your breathing. Being physically in touch with yourself releases neurotransmitters which help with tranquility and healthy self-confidence.

6. Connect with someone everyday just to connect. If you have kids, focus on them exclusively for a bit of time on a regular basis without multitasking. You’ll know what you’ve been missing the minute you start doing this.

7. Don’t always focus on something to ‘pick you up’ or ‘pull you through’ like a trip, a possession, a relationship, etc. Just enjoy the moments you have as well as the things and relationships you have.

8. Forgive. Someone once told me that family forgives because that’s what family does. If you’ve ever been really angry with someone in your family for offending or disappointing you, you know how difficult this can truly be. (P.S. This doesn’t extend to situations of continued, repeated abuse.)

9. Tolerate. Work on your patience with others and with yourself. We can ALWAYS say more, prove more, argue more, etc. But in the end, we’re all going to the same place and we won’t be able to bring our points and our opinions with us.

10. Serve. Doesn’t have to be particularly heroic or wide-reaching. Serve your spouse. Serve your children. Serve your aging parents. Get used to serving, in any way that you can. It’s a good way to remind ourselves that there’s a big world out there and that we’re not all alone.

AND…for extra credit:

11. Be committed and follow-through. Includes your marriage, your kids, your work, your avocations, and your word. Yes, you can change course when necessary and appropriate but quite often we do this too often and too erratically. We must not constantly remove the value of things in our lives and make everything disposable if we don’t want to live lives which feel meaningless and empty to us.

Be well and in good health,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com

www.LVACNation.com

Sometimes it’s with a stranger or an acquaintance; other times with a spouse or child.

What’s remarkable about these times is how easy it is to get sucked into behaving badly.

We can get defensive or even outright offensive, especially if triggered by what the other person is saying to us.

The best thing to do in these situations is to focus on de-escalating the situation rather than escalating it further.

Husband: “Did you get a chance to pick up dinner?”

Wife: “No, I’ve just been too busy today, so you’re gonna have to deal.”

Husband: “Whoa, what the h*ll is that!?!“

Wife: “You’re just always expecting me to be responsible for feeding this family. I have a job too you know!”

Husband: “Well if you weren’t so busy texting your girlfriends all day and calling your mother every day, you’d get out of work sooner and get dinner on the table!”

Wife: “You know what? Go to H*ll!! You don’t appreciate anything I do around here and you never even get you’re a*@ home on the weekends instead of going out fishing with your buddies or playing in your stupid softball league! Your kids never even get to see you!!”

And on and on and ON it goes.

What you’re seeing here is a whole lot of pent up resentments on both parts in all those attacks.

It’s important to understand that people are always ready to be defensive or offensive with one another.

We often carry with us many resentments, whether we know about them consciously or perhaps not, about the injustices of our lives from childhood through to the present day.

It pays, therefore, to know that no matter what the argument or disagreement is about, you’ll always be better off focusing on de-escalating rather than adding fuel to the fire.

Otherwise, you’ll be just another “jerk” in a long line of jerks in the other person’s life and you will instantly become the focus of their resentments.

It’s just human nature: If you’re upset and you try to speak to someone and all they do is fight you back or act defensively with you, you will turn your anger towards THEM and THEY will become the focus of your resentment, anger, and, eventually, even rage.

So start by Listening.

Remember, if you don’t listen first, you will automatically subconsciously get grouped in by the other person with all of the other people who haven’t listened to her in the past or who have wronged her somehow.

And who wants to voluntarily become part of that group? Not me.

Your best bet is to follow my LVAC® mnemonic: Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment.

Step 1: Listen to what the other person is saying, and don’t interrupt them.

Step 2: Try to Validate what they are trying to say. Seldom is it impossible to do this. You don’t have to agree with them necessarily in order to validate their feelings anyway.

Step 3: Ask them some open-ended questions which will help them talk more so that they can narrow down just what it is that’s bothering them. Many people need to start broadly and angrily and need a chance to first say whatever’s on their mind. After listening and validating, asking some open-ended questions and not commenting right away will help them process further their thoughts and emotions.

Step 4: Save your Comments for last, if at all. (Enough said.)

So  if someone is talking to you, practice LVAC and avoid putting yourself in the direct line of fire.

You’ll also help them feel better, and they’ll like you more.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

                LVAC Nation!

                Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

www.DrFerraioli.com

www.LVACNation.com

Is it their charisma?

Is it their charm or their intelligence?

Or maybe it’s the way they make you feel?

I would say that, for me, it has most often been the case that I am drawn to people who project hope in some way or another.

Let me explain.

Books and various periodicals on leadership, psychology, motivational speaking, teaching, and sales, among others, often expound upon the importance of how we human beings leave each other feeling after we interact with one another.

And there is often an agenda (not necessarily always a bad thing, despite the connotation of the word), spoken or unspoken, behind wanting to make people feel a certain way—whether that be ultimately to teach, to sell, or to motivate and lead.

But how about a version of this same phenomenon in a slightly different dimension—of wanting to give hope in a different way and for a different purpose?

In other words, with different intentionality.

I know two things: the first is that when people receive hope, it has a healing effect on their souls; it helps activate in them their finest courage, their most boundless energy, and their greatest creativity. It feeds them and sustains them.

The second thing I know is that the giver of hope also receives these very same gifts.

I know these things to be true because we’ve all been children and we can all remember at least a few people in our respective childhoods who made us feel good about ourselves and who fed us in these ways.

They made us feel inflated, more centered and strong, more loved and more loving. They gave us hope, and, in a moment, I’m going to explain how they did this and how we can give hope to others as well.

But first, I also know these things to be true because many of us are now parents of children, and we can recall times when we’ve felt sustained and fed by giving selflessly to our children; by giving them hope.

Both giver and recipient benefit.

We can give hope to one another by following a few simple, daily steps:

First, Listen.

Listening is a true discipline and it not only requires daily practice, (yes, at home with our families as well!), but doing so also causes a deep and profound rewiring in us.

That is, by teaching ourselves to habitually gear our topmost energies towards Listening, whether at home or out in the world, we are already on our way to helping others feel more hopeful by giving them our receptive intentionality; i.e. first, we are receiving them, with whatever they are bringing us.

At the same time, that very rewiring helps us as well.

Why?

Because an awful lot of the Comments we make to our spouses, to our children, to our colleagues, and to our coworkers  are ultimately expressions of our lack of hope or our insecurities and anxieties.

Think about it: Most of the time when we speak, unless we are teaching something specific like a language, we are doing so because of a series of internal, emotional reactions which have ultimately led to the act of making a Comment.

Reactions.

Commenting is most often a form of reacting. In other words it’s most often, and ultimately, about us, not the other person.

And our fellow humans can sense this.

On the other hand, when we Listen, we are gearing our energies, in a disciplined way, to the other person—and this transmits and projects hope.

So when I’m with someone who is filled with anxiety, worry, or self-doubt, I Listen.

When I’m with someone who seems eager to argue, I Listen.

When I don’t know what to say or how to help or what someone wants from me, I Listen.

Listening gives hope, and it often does so without a word.

It is the intention of Listening which is communicated subconsciously and which does the healing—the intention of practicing the discipline of Listening rather than reacting via premature or immediate Comments.

In closing, I’ll share with you a mnemonic I made up some years ago to help me remind myself of these things.

It goes like this:

L.V.A.C. (pronounced “L-VAC”)=Listen first, then Validate feelings, then Ask open-ended questions, THEN Comment, if necessary at all.

Follow the first step always my friends, and the rest when you can.

We all have the power to help others heal by giving them hope within the shadow of our passing presence in their lives, however brief or long it might be.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

LVAC Nation!

Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

websites: www.DrFerraioli.com

www.LVACNation.com

And also, quite recently, my young daughter has started to save up for an Apple iPod ‘Touch’, a device which allows for not only game playing, but also wireless access to the internet, email, and texting.

Well, somewhere in the midst of these current events in the Ferraioli household came the following question: How are we, as families, supposed to talk about and deal with the implications of our children having total access to these increasingly popular wireless devices?

Make no mistake, handing our children something as simple-and-innocent-appearing as an iPod Touch or a cellular telephone does have implications.

They don’t just play games on them and download ‘cool apps’ to them—they also go online with them and they text each other with them as well, both of which are major draws for kids that many parents don’t fully realize.

Now I’m sure that none of what I’m about to share will come as a major surprise to many, if any, of you.

But the problem is that we are so busy in our lives, so caught up with what everybody else seems to be doing, where the culture is going, and what is widespread and popular (i.e. ‘the norm’), that we seldom make a deliberate effort to actually sit down as families and discuss things.

So this is why I’m writing this today: so that you can have a reason to pause and to think about and discuss this topic with your spouses and your kids.

Handing our children wireless internet devices is tantamount to inviting the world into their lives, all at once, and without discretion.

Anyone who wants to text them, can.

Any time they feel like texting others, they can.

Same with email.

And, in most cases, the same goes for exposure to pornography, cyber-bullying, ‘hooking-up’, etc.

I’m certainly not the first one to say this, but families seldom get together regularly anymore to just talk, to review their days with one another, or to discuss hopes, goals, frustrations, and other important topics.

How are we supposed to pass down to our kids the values and morals which we want them to have?

And furthermore, did anyone consider these things when we were kids?

Maybe, maybe not.

And that’s a big part of the problem: We don’t even know what it is that we’re not giving them!!

And, needless to say, the days of families attending church, temple, synagogue, or mosque together are fading or are a thing of the past.

So where are our kids turning to spend their time, energy, curiosity, and creativity; and to learn about themselves, about morality, and to form their sets of values?

Their iPods, cell phones, laptops, etc.: exactly the places where we, their parents, are not.

Again, we, the parents, are not there with them. They are unsupervised and unguided by us.

Any time, day or night, kids of all ages can openly or secretly go online with their portable wireless devices, and text, receive texts (including sexually explicit ones, i.e. ‘sexting’), do email, and search websites.

And they can do it with each other, and with adults.

I know of several instances in which a young child (10 or younger) has been caught texting after 10 p.m.—this is really NOT acceptable parenting in my opinion.

We need to discuss and set guidelines if our children are going to use portable wireless devices at all. And the subject absolutely MUST get discussed as a family.

If nothing else, the mere act of taking the time to talk about it together as a family will bring more accountability, more deliberateness, more safety, and more healthy respect to the issue. It will also bring us closer to our kids.

Please don’t forget: giving your child (or letting them buy) a wireless internet device has many more implications than our fast paced, busy lives will often allow us to think about and acknowledge.

You wouldn’t let your child have the keys to your car, along with a fake I.D., some weapons, drugs and alcohol, pornography, and a stranger you don’t know join them for the ride, would you?

Well, my friends, when we let our young kids take wireless devices with them wherever they go (including their bedrooms!), unsupervised and with unlimited access to the internet and texting, that’s exactly what we’re agreeing to.

Oh sure, they’ll eventually have the freedom to gain access to all of this stuff anyway, for that’s the way of the world out there, but, by then, we will hopefully have had a chance to have enough of a positive, affirming influence on their self-esteem, values, and morality to at least make it a fair fight.

Please don’t make the mistake of agreeing with what you haven’t deliberately, consciously thought about and discussed with them. They won’t hate you forever, and they’ll love you for it later.

Let’s not throw our kids into that big mix out there just yet.

Soon maybe, but not yet.

With my best intentions,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, “Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)”

www.DrFerraioli.com and www.LVACNation.com

Contentment VERSUS ambition?!

‘Why the false dichotomy?’, I asked myself.

I mean, really. Why must we choose to be either contented or ambitious?

I suppose the idea is that if we are truly contented, then we would not need to be quite so ambitious; ambition in this case carrying a connotation of not being satisfied or happy with one’s life.

But what if we looked at it differently.

What if we looked towards new connotations to the two words contentment and ambition?

How’s this:

We could make contentment trigger thoughts of having a foundation; of feeling settled and committed to a set of basic choices one has made in one’s life such as one’s spouse, children, community, profession, religious beliefs, service to others, etc.

And perhaps ambition might call forth a feeling of “activation” of the self; of passion and evolution. Ambition can be sexy. It can add a certain sexiness to our adults lives, including to the things we’ve committed to.

Soooo….?

So let’s say that you’re a married person with children, a house, a job or career of some sort, a couple of hobbies or avocations, and some friends.

Let’s also say that you’ve still got dreams of what you’d like to be in the world or how you’d like to express your true self to the world through what makes you uniquely you.

My friends, I think that a very high quality way to live would involve taking both of these elements and maximizing them.

That is, maximizing our commitments to the things we’ve deliberately chosen to include in our lives, (e.g. spouse, children, job, friends, etc.), AND also maximizing our attempts to express our truest selves in the lives we’ve chosen to have.

So…you might be a husband and dad who’s an accountant by day, but a volunteer firefighter hero by night.

Or maybe you’re a wife and mom who runs the household-and-kid-company by day, but a rock star karaoke singer or disco dancer by night (do discos still exist?)

Or maybe you’re a salesperson and a spouse by day, but an expert green-thumb organic gardener by the weekend.

My point here is that, in order to live our fullest lives we need to be able to do two seemingly disparate things at the same time: be committed AND be passionate; take our vows seriously AND make some new ones that continue to provide new challenges.

I’m often asked why it is that people have affairs, or why they leave their kids and spouses to ‘start new lives’. Or, more recently, what the big thrill is to all the ‘sexting’ that’s apparently going on— from Federal government officials on down to local civil servants.

I think that part of the reason why people act out in these ways is that they haven’t yet got the above balance down; i.e. they haven’t yet mastered the skill of having Commitment PLUS Passion—Contentment and Ambition.

So let’s not fool ourselves, then.

We can’t live happy, fulfilling, and joyous lives with minimal guilt or regrets if we’re not committed to our lives.

But we also need to regularly challenge ourselves by exploring our hearts and listening to what’s in there.

The result will be a life with both a track record of following through with our promises and choices, as well as one in which we’ve continuously evolved both within and around those commitments.

The alternative is a life story filled with broken promises, half-filled dreams, and abandoned casualties strewn about everywhere—with regret full steam ahead.

All my best,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

www.DrFerraioli.com and www.LVACNation.com

We have yet to see fruits, vegetables, whole grains and antioxidant foods advertised in this manner…all of which are the absolute BEST for you and your body.

Ever notice as soon as you walk in the supermarket you can smell the bakery department, and then as you walk the isles you’re bombarded with displays of cookies, soda and tempting treats.

Why? 

Well, businesses know what tastes good to us and that these types of foods (high in sugar, salt and fat) are BIG money makers.  After all, they do appeal to our human taste buds.

Let’s start protecting our health and giving our bodies’ real whole foods…the kind that will encourage it to run properly and give back to our lives the longevity we so desire .

The steps we need to follow in order to help put our BODY FIRST include:

1. Be aware of supermarket circulars and what is considered a “good deal”.  If it’s for an item that is processed, contains primarily sugar, salt and hydrogenated fat,  it’s NOT a “deal” at all.
2. As a fun game, get a circular (excluding circulars from Whole Foods, Trader Joes and the like) and circle all the healthy foods in the entire ad (EXCLUDE what LOOKS healthy such as sugar laden yogurts/drinks, processed cheese, anything in a can or box, diet items such as sugar-free, fat-free or low fat….all of these don’t count).  See how many healthy foods are ACTUALLY on sale….I can just about guarantee you the percentage will be less than 10%.  Ask yourself now how you feel about those deals at the supermarket and why are the majority of foods on sale the ones that are not good for you?
3. Read your labels!  Look for foods that contain good amounts of vitamins, minerals, proteins and good fats such as omegas and olive oils.  If there is ZERO nutritional value to the food, put it back!  I repeat “put it back!”  Why eat something your body will not benefit from?  In order to live…we need to provide our cells, blood, tissue, bones, muscles and organs with proper  nourishment and it must be the appropriate kind of sustenance.
4. When clipping coupons, look for saving money ONLY on the foods you know will be healthy for you and your family.  Again, what might seem like a “deal” is
   really not if it’s for EMPTY high calorie foods with no nutritional benefit.
5. Teach your family about the concerns of television ads, radio ads, billboard advertisements, etc..  How they are only used to market and advertise foods but that it does not necessarily mean they are good and healthy for you.
6. Shop the perimeter of the supermarket (avoiding the bakery) for the healthiest food choices.  The frozen food section is also an excellent aisle to find frozen fruits, vegetables and other healthy choices.
7. Lastly, remember “everything in moderation”.  If there is a birthday, holiday or special event,  by all means buying  a treat or foods that you crave is certainly okay (just remember not to overindulge) .  It’s when you continue to eat that way EVERY DAY that it becomes a concern to your body and overall health

In the long run and as a cost savings…if you avoid the “DEALS” and coupons for the junk food and put your money towards purchasing more fruits, vegetables, and whole foods, your actually buying healthier choices for the SAME price you would be paying for all the chips, soda, cookies, cakes, etc…

Let’s all become smarter consumers and wiser shoppers.  Remember YOU and YOUR BODY come FIRST.

We only get ONE body so let’s take the best care of it while we live each day of
our lives.

EAT WELL EVERY DAY……FOR LIFE!!

Lisa Golebieski, MS, Holistic Nutrition Consultant

NUTRITIOUSLY HOLISTIC

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

Cell:  973-464-7542

No, what I’m talking about here is that feeling you may or may not have when you reach a certain age, some say by your 40s, others insist that it’s older, that one day you won’t be here any longer and that you’ll leave behind all the people and things you love so dearly.

For me, one of the things that helps make it easier to keep perspective each day and to behave in the most Emotionally Competent manner possible—in other words, to keep my head screwed on right—is that I keep in mind the rather sobering thought that one day, hopefully not for a long while, but, inevitably, I won’t be around anymore.

I’m always appreciative of that fact and I try to let it influence my behaviors and my choices each day:

We behave better and more deliberately and consciously when we know that there is a limit to our lives.

And I’m consistently and regularly touched by this fact.

Yes, it’s a sad thought, but the seriousness and the urgency of it can help us to feel more appreciative and thankful, and they can also help to ultimately create more joy and more healing in our lives.

In fact, this thought occurs to me when I’m about to react badly to my kids or to my wife; when I’m about to react to a neighbor, a friend, a sibling, or a situation; and even when I’m alone with myself thinking about the current, ‘majorly huge’ issues or problems I am facing—whatever they might be at the time:

‘My life is not infinite. One day I’ll be gone. This moment counts and is real so let me do my best right now to have more patience, more kindness, and more willingness to listen and learn before I react.’

So much of the trauma people bring into my office involves interactions they’ve had or things that have happened to them in their lives, especially their early lives, that are a direct result of someone NOT reacting in an Emotionally Competent manner with them.

Whether they were punished often and unfairly, or not encouraged to be who they truly were, or never given the time of day, or ‘steamrolled’  and bullied during conversations with their parents or teachers, or frankly abused either emotionally, physically, or sexually—whatever the case may be—things could have been different had the adults around them acted in ways that reflected their knowledge of their own ultimate mortality.

And that is, again, because we behave better and more deliberately and consciously when we know that there is a limit to our lives.

Life is real.

We’re born. We go through childhood and schooling, both good times and bad. We work and pay our proverbial taxes. Then we get older and more frail, eventually having to give up some or all of our hard-won autonomy and become dependent again. And we die.

Life doesn’t mess around. These things WILL happen to all of us.

So what are we waiting for?

The next time your child comes to you and you’re beside yourself with exhaustion or your patience has long ago been used up, think about the above fact.

The next time your spouse needs some understanding or mercy, think about it then too.

The next time you find yourself caught up in feeling somehow disrespected or treated unfairly or that you’ve “finally had enough” of somebody, think about it then too.

The next time your parents or grandparents need you or you feel like they’re a pain in the you-know-what, think about it.

And the next time you’re alone, all by yourself, and you’re feeling out of sorts or are experiencing free-floating anxiety or fear, think about it then too.

In fact, another way of saying all this is that NOTHING is permanent in life.

It ALL goes away eventually.

Someone once told me that the way they had dealt with school performance anxiety was to ask themselves the question, “Will this grade count when I’m on my death bed?”

In reality, not much will, my friends, so take it easy on yourselves and on others.

Have more mercy.

Have more compassion.

Listen more.

Learn to let more go.

Comment less.

Ask more questions so you can learn more about what people are really trying to say to you.

Learn and explore more and judge less.

Take care of yourself, but don’t be too obsessive. The goal is to have quality of life, not to be a prisoner to perfectionism.

Now, as I often say in my office, “I’m not trying to make you MORE depressed or anxious here…”; but we’re all grown-ups (well, sorta), and it is healthy to live our lives with the conscious, deliberate working knowledge and understanding—and acceptance—that we eventually die.

This way, when we look at our kids, they will see our true love shine through instead of our worries, our anger, or our feeling overwhelmed at the moment. We will be focused on them and not distracted.

When we speak to our spouses, our tone will reflect our sincerest appreciation for them in our lives and our knowledge of their vulnerabilities and their own problems and the things that traumatize them that we may be doing.

One of the things I enjoy about church when I go is that the main themes are these very ones. The liturgy, the music, the chants and prayers—all of it has to do with our ultimate mortality and the hope that we can be in communion (‘common-union’) with each other.

Sinatra, rest in peace, sang about regrets and having ‘too few to mention’.

The surest way for us to be able to say the same thing when we’re all in our 90s is to live our lives every day—to interact daily with our loved ones and with others and to focus on our passions instead of on acting out behaviors—as True, Emotionally Competent Adults who carry our mortality with us and are not in denial about its inevitability.

Let that inform us and our choices about what we do and how we behave.

It’s sort of like what they say about busy people: If you need something done give it to a busy person, they say.

Well, if you want to live your best life, live it knowing and accepting that there is a final limit to it and then pour everything you’ve got into it.

With good thoughts towards you and yours,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

Some people can get very excited and turned on by such a declaration; others feel anxious, confused, or even afraid as they find themselves seeking refuge from the spotlight.

With so much going on in the world, in our nation, in our communities, and in our own families, the phrase, “YOU are first”, has the potential to become even more daunting to some of us.

And in an era when the word “Change” has come to be laden with much political and moral connotations, let me ask you this question:

Just WHO is supposed to change?

How many of us feel that if only that special “something” would occur or come to be within our grasp, we would feel better?

If only our spouse would apologize or understand us better…

If only our children would listen…

If only our jobs were more exciting OR less intense…

If only we had more free time or more time off…

If only we had more money or love…

If only we were better understood and appreciated…

If only we were better looking or in better shape or healthier…

If only the weekend would get here already…

If only retirement would get here already…

Well, you get the point, which brings us back to my question:

WHO is supposed to change?

I submit to you my friends, that before we squander our limited time on this Earth with the above “if only’s”, what needs to change first is US.

And with that, let me share two important ideas with you.

Let It Go

How many of you would, if you were being completely honest, describe yourselves as “sensitive” or “defensive” or “grudge holders”?

My professional (and personal) experience tells me that this aspect of our personalities can cost us much of our time and emotional energy.

People will ALWAYS hurt us somehow or another, or they will at the very least step on our toes a bit or disappoint us.

That’s what happens when we humans try to share space and time with each other.

We need to learn to deal with the messiness of human interaction and cohabitation without letting it paralyze us with anger, resentment, or humiliation, among other things.

In other words, we need to learn to Let It Go.

In my own personal estimation, when somebody has done something to hurt me I find it best to allow for one of three possibilities to help me Let It Go:

1) they apologize and are sorry

2) I learn more about them and try to understand their circumstances, or,

3) I take a blind leap of Faith and Let It Go

If you try this, you’ll find that, after a while, you tend to become a bit less sensitive or defensive in your life. And with this change comes better enjoyment of and participation with others.

If I had a nickel for every person who’s told me that they’d be better off living in a cabin in the woods, I’d be a rich man.

The reason people feel this way so often is twofold: first, they are afraid of getting hurt, and, second, they are afraid of hurting others.

Instead of moving to the woods, let’s learn to Let It Go, so we can actually tolerate and even enjoy one another again.

(Re)learning How to Play

Another example of what comes when “YOU are first” is the task of gauging your ability to play in your life.

Neuroscientists have spent decades trying to separate out the “right” and “left” brain in terms of functionality.

One of my favorite concepts is the idea that the left brain is where more of our organized, planning, and linear-logical selves live, whereas the right brain houses our spatial and spontaneous selves, as well as our rhythm.

Rhythm, you say?

Yes.

In order to have some fun in our lives, we have to find our rhythm again: it’s a right brain concept, a flavor, if you will.

Young children have rhythm.

They know how to play.

They are, in a sense, romantic little creatures with plenty of fantasy and imagination.

They are not yet ashamed, or bombarding themselves with myriad norms, inhibitions, rules, and regulations.

Left brain: rules, words, language, logic.

Right brain: big picture, gist, “gets it”, feeling.

Children tend to be VERY right brained, until school and we adults teach them to be more left brained.

Once we grow into adults we are plenty left-brained. Problem is, we’ve often lost our rhythm in the conditioning process.

It’s a funny thing that psychoactive substances like alcohol are often described as “mood altering”.

They also tend to disinhibit us.

Why do so many people find pleasure in being intoxicated?

You can bet, at least for some, that it involves feeling less inhibited, more spontaneous, less anxious, less afraid, and less ashamed.

We need to pursue healthful activities and relationships in our lives which help us find our rhythm again.

Bonding with friends or family can do it.

Physical or creative activities, such as sports and the arts, respectively, can do it.

We need to work on taking ourselves less seriously sometimes, feeling less ashamed or embarrassed and less afraid of “goofing up”. We need more mutual and unconditional acceptance. And we need the courage and Faith required to put our truest selves out there for the world to deal with and appreciate.

Now Do It!

The only thing left to do now that we understand that WE are first, is to go out and Do It!

Start with yourself.

Make it your goal to grow into the best adult you can be by learning to handle yourself no matter what other people throw at you or what they are up to with your awe-inspiring ability to Let It Go.

Pursue activities and relationships which allow, no, promote!, your ability to play again.

Start with these two ideas and you’ll soon be on your way to enjoying your life much more, along with the people and the circumstances in it.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

If you’re like me, you’ve initially pictured someone who is being sort of whiney or complaining, or perhaps someone who is being passive or indecisive to the extreme.

But I want to tell you about a totally different picture of ‘victimhood’, one that might surprise you both because it may not be what you’re picturing at all, AND because the way I’m going to describe it would make it even more common than you might have initially thought.

In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb right here and tell you that, at times, I myself act like this type of victim and, very likely, so do you.

Acting like a victim the way I’m talking about here involves four fundamental characteristics which feed off of one another:

1) it’s blaming others instead of taking personal responsibility

2) it’s chronic anger and negativity

3) it’s being defensive

4) it’s ugly

First of all, acting like a victim is ‘ugly’ because it drives people away from us. It makes us somewhat repulsive to others and not someone who they want to be around very often or very much. And when someone is chronically angry,  always defensive, and constantly blaming others, it doesn’t take much imagination for us to see why this would be the case.

Secondly, it’s ‘defensive’ because when we’re acting like victims we take everything like a criticism and we get defensive about it. We are unable or unwilling to try to see if there is any truth to whatever is being said, or, if nothing else, to just let it go. With our defensiveness comes anger and blaming.

Thirdly, being a victim is being ‘chronically angry and negative’ about everything. When we’re constantly feeling that the world and its people are unfair to us or have it in for us; that every circumstance has a reason why it won’t work out well for us and that every person is an enemy in disguise, THEN we remain chronically angry. The word UNFAIR becomes our battle cry. When we can’t stop and be satisfied or happy and at peace for even an hour or a few minutes at a time, we are chronically angry and negative. We are always waiting for the other shoe to drop; never at ease or light of heart or relaxed, even for a little while.

And finally, when we immediately ‘blame others‘ for what they are ‘making us feel’ or what they are ‘making us do’, then we are, again, acting like victims.

So, you see, acting like a victim is not necessarily a passive, whiney, sort of pathetic stance or attitude like we might have previously thought.

No! On the contrary, when we’re acting like victims we can be quite active and offensive, and we can often stir up great amounts of anger, fear, anxiety, chaos, and resentment in those around us, including and perhaps especially our loved ones.

Well, now that we’ve defined the problem, how do we fix it?

Here are three simple rules to follow in order to quickly ‘pull the plug’ on victimhood in your life:

1) accept responsibility for what you can control, and let go of the rest

2) don’t blame or attack others

3) be kind to others and to yourself; you’re not perfect and are not expected to be

Whenever you are tempted to be defensive, to blame, to be angry again, or to push others away somehow, step back, count to ten, and go through the above steps to determine where the problem is and how you can correct it quickly and move on. A sense of humor, both towards yourself and the situation at hand, can be a great ally here by the way.

The problem with carrying ourselves through life as victims the way I’m describing it is at least twofold: First, we push others away and hurt them, and second, we begin to dislike ourselves and treat ourselves badly with bad habits or lack of self-care.

In all my years (so far) of practice, from posh suburbia to community clinics to correctional facilities, I have only met two people who I would  consider fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘evil’ (both happened to also be murderers).

The rest of us, my friends, are fundamentally good people who carry a heavy load in our lives.

This load might be obvious or it might be quite subtle.

It might involve past traumas, or maybe mostly current situations or problems, or both.

Whatever the case may be, take it from me that when we are acting like victims the way I’m describing it here, we are acting like we are wounded and we are bleeding all over the place.

That’s literally what it looks like and feels like to those around us. They see it. They feel it. And it’s toxic to them.

So, let’s stop ‘bleeding’ all over everybody around us and making it more messy and worse off for ourselves.

Instead, let’s put some salve on the wound, or maybe a tourniquet, and let’s learn to move on from there today, starting with our behaviors.

Then, let’s do the same thing tomorrow.

All the best,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

Websites: www.DrFerraioli.com and www.LVACNation.com

They can bring back many warm and comforting feelings….hence why the saying
“comfort food” was invented.  Do you still crave these foods or make them for your own family?

Perhaps it was an ethnic dish, a special dessert or something as simple as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  I remember the scent of artificially flavored red fruit punch in my school thermos, the texture of a spiced ham, salami or liverwurst sandwich on Wonder white bread and the excitement of eating a package of Yodels, Ring Dings or Twinkies for dessert.

I ask myself, are these foods, which still exist today, something I would want my own children to consume and make memories with?    Was I harmed by what my parents fed me?  Probably not….BUT since I cannot see what is inside of my arteries…only time will tell.

Many food chains we have grown up with such as Dunkin’ Donuts, McDonalds, Burger King and KFC have their own distinct signature scents and tastes that were developed in laboratories to attract, allure and embed our memories to crave and associate their specific foods with pleasure and comfort.  Interesting… huh?  But so very true!

This same theory holds true to what our parents cooked in the kitchen and what we learned to love eat as a child.  What we must discover are ways to keep the foods we consider comfort by changing up the ingredients we cook with to make it healthier and by choosing whole foods rather than processed ones.

Most parents tell their kids or perhaps we were told by our own parents:

“I want to see you lick your plate clean”

“You can have dessert only if you eat all of your dinner”

It can put pressure on a child to try and eat everything on their plates especially when they become too full to finish it.  This can become the birth of obesity over time and then “rewarding” with dessert can create an unhealthy habit.  Looking  for a sugar fix after eating a meal becomes an automatic response that the body  (via the mind) craves.

Let’s take some time to really look at our diets and how it was developed, created or passed down from our parents.  Their goal was to feed and nourish us to grow up happy and healthy and we love them dearly for that.  We as adults have this same goal in mind for ourselves as well as for our families and we are living in very fortunate times to have an abundance of healthier food choices and a wealth of information available on how achieve a life full of good health because as they say “if you have your health, you have everything!”

Eat Well…..For Life!

Lisa Golebieski, MS, Holistic Nutrition Consultant

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

Cell:  973-464-7542

This posed a very difficult question for me because, as a proud adult American who lived through the horror of witnessing 9/11/01, and who still wells up at the thought of it on a regular basis, I felt good about the elimination of a key enemy and murderer of thousands.

After all, my immigrant parents came to this country because it is the best country in the world and because of the things it stands for, and now I myself love this country just as they did, and for the same reasons they did.

But, on the other hand, and again, as an American, I was also raised in a country where the taking of human life was never really—in itself— a cause for celebration, but rather more of a consequence of something like war, as in this case.

In fact, I thought to myself, what makes our country such a beacon of light and hope in the history of the world are the strong, unequivocal notions that our Founding Fathers had of the value and equality of human life under God, of freedom, and of human dignity.

So it struck me that, in explaining this thing to my kids, I would emphasize and glorify not the killing itself as much as the defending of the principles and values upon which our country was founded and which we want to be sure to foster and to preserve in future generations.

I strongly believe that, in order for our beloved America to remain a leader in the world, we must also remain a moral leader.

We must not lose the moral component that has always made this country so special and which the Founding Fathers deliberately and with forethought incorporated into its design and execution at no small personal risk to themselves and their families at the time.

These are the lessons which this occasion can and should prompt each of us to underscore and to renew among ourselves and with our children.

I think that this should also be a somber time of reflection and prayer for our nation. A time to reflect upon what we lost on 9/11 both in terms of human life as well as the relative innocence and security we enjoyed and took for granted up to that time as a people.

What happened to us on 9/11/01 had, and still has, the risk of changing us as a nation in ways that could threaten the very things which make us who we are: Namely, our innate repulsion at the taking of human life that comes with war, and our resignation to do it when necessary rather than our celebration of it— in and of itself.

Let’s move forward now and continue to teach our children the hope that, in this country—and one day hopefully around the world—people will no longer deem it necessary to express themselves implicitly by hurting, oppressing, or killing one another.

That, instead, we can look forward to a day when hate no longer threatens to beget hate even in the greatest nation in the world; that a true concern for and love of our fellow man will continue to emanate forth from us both as one Nation, and as separate nations, under God.

This is what I will be teaching my kids today.

All the best to you and yours, and,

God Bless America,

Anthony  Ferraioli, M.D.

Many of us become furious defenders of our childhoods and of our parents’ approach to parenting us back then, with statements such as, “I had a GREAT childhood!”, or, “My parents/mother/father was/were the BEST!”

Of course we love them and rightfully so, but because of this we are also at risk of repeating some of the not-so-great aspects of our childhoods and the way we were parented upon our own kids.

Ever wonder why certain particular things p*ss you off so quickly? —Like when one of your kids does or says a particular thing, or when they don’t mind you or obey you in a particular fashion.

“Johnny, clean up your mess.”

Silence.

“Johnny, don’t you DARE ignore me when I’m talking to you!!!”

What if I were to tell you that your strong reaction to Johnny may contain some important information about your own parents’ or caregivers’ response to YOU when you ignored or didn’t hear or understand THEM?

That’s right, when we humans have immediate, STRONG emotional reactions to other people or to situations, chances are great that those reactions were first learned by us when our parents or other caregivers reacted to US or to the same situations that way also, many years ago when we were kids. (Well, not THAT many years ago!)

So one of the things we can learn, if we keep an open mind, is that trying to improve upon the way we were parented as children does NOT mean that we don’t love our own parents or other caregivers, or that we’re blaming them or denigrating them in any way.

It really just means that we are trying to learn from the past and that we are trying to make things better for our own kids.

If we refuse to at least take a look at these things with an eye towards making them better (or EVEN better), then we’ll be at risk of passing along the fears, confusions, self-doubts, anger, etc., onto OUR kids as well.

Some time ago I made up a term called Emotional Credibility which is defined as Trust + Likability.

When we immediately REACT based upon our strong emotions, rather than QUESTION our strong emotions BEFORE reacting, we generally LOSE Emotional Credibility. This holds true for our kids, but also for our spouses as well.

On the other hand, when we try to approach our kids with the spirit of listening to what they are trying to tell us and seeking to truly understand their anger, frustration, confusion, disobedience, “laziness”, etc., BEFORE reacting, THEN we build Emotional Credibility with them.

“SALLY-MARSHA-ANN-REILLY! YOU GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!”

Have you ever heard yourself say this to your own child when you were angry, obviously inserting their name for Sally’s? Where’d you learn to do that?

Chances are your mother or father used your FULL name when they were angry, no?

Makes for great drama and repetition of the past, but not for very good connection or communication with our kids; and frankly, not that effective a technique over the long haul either. The effect eventually sort of wears off. For what are we really teaching them besides their name? Right, we’re teaching them that this is the way to handle themselves when they are angry and to do this with their own kids one day too.

Not a very good bag of tricks to pass along, I don’t think.

Instead, how about:

“Sally, I’ve called you over here twice now. This is the last time before I come over to YOU. And if I have to do that they’ll be consequences.”

Nice.

In this way you’ve expressed to the child the situation, you’ve communicated where you stand, AND you’ve given them a choice.

What you HAVEN’T done is “snap” on them or bully them into complying with you. (See my previous post, Raising Victims, for more.)

So…

Let’s work on earning our children’s respect, not their fear.

Remember, we’re always trying to build up the Emotional Credibility in our relationships with them, which will help make them strong and give us great satisfaction in the long run, not frustration or guilt.

Let’s be their leaders and their teachers, NOT their bullies.

And let’s not train them to be somebody’s victim when they grow up, neither emotionally nor physically.

Finally, let’s work on our knee-jerk, inherited reactions to them so that they’re not stuck with these same strong, immediate emotional reactions that we have to struggle with once THEY eventually grow up and have kids and lives of their own. Let’s not pass that stuff onto them—let’s neutralize it and stop the cycle.

It’s okay to have some doubts about your childhood and how you were raised. No need to be too defensive about it all, friend.

In my opinion, we honor our parents and our family lineage and legacy even more when we find ourselves able to seek to preserve what was of value and to change what was hurtful or threatening to our families’ ability to thrive and to fly confidently in this world as time and the generations go by.

It’s what I want my kids to do. I won’t be offended. I’ll be proud of them.

All the best,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

websites: www.DrFerraioli.com and www.LVACNation.com

Besides being hungry…do you think there are other reasons for eating perhaps to satisfy a loss or make you feel better….this can be the birth of bad eating “habits”.

From early childhood sometimes food is used to “validate” feelings….it becomes a friend and provides comfort from feeling isolated, ignored, estranged and alone.  While family and friends may be present in our lives, we may still feel a disconnect with them if we are not heard or acknowledged.  This can have a huge impact on a child’s overall health and well-being as they grow into adulthood.

Obesity is linked to higher rates of cancer, heart disease, elevated blood sugar leading to type II diabetes, high cholesterol, hypertension, not to mention depression and/or emotional imbalance caused by the very reason they became obese in the first place.

What can we do to avoid the birth of bad eating habits?

First and foremost, we cannot go back and change the past or regain validation that has been lost,  once we realize the reality, we need to learn to love ourselves, to seek out new friends and opportunities to help give new meaning to life and enrich it with love and acceptance.

We must want to have the ambition, drive and desire to live the life we were all meant to have when we were born…a happy, healthy fulfilling journey into a ripe old age of 100!  There are statistics that say we all have the potential to reaching and even surpassing 100 years of age if we eat a healthy diet, exercise daily, reduce stress and keep a positive outlook. Why not spend the prime years of your life trying to get there?   That in itself should be the best motivator there is as we only get one life to live and we might as well spend every day living the best life we can.

As we embark every day, start new healthy habits…try eating more fruits and vegetables, choose whole grains, fresh fish and lean meat, drink more water, start a new exercise routine whether it’s walking, skating, bike riding, playing frisbee, golf…any type of activity you will enjoy.… just go for it!

Over time you will discover that the only “habit” we should all have through acquiring a healthier lifestyle is laughter, love and happiness!

Live Well…..For Life!

Lisa Golebieski, BA,
MS, Holistic Nutrition Consultant

• Nutritional Counseling and Coaching
• Nutrition Seminars
• Diet Plans
• Supermarket Smart Savvy Tours

lgolebieski@verizon.net

BUT right now I want to look at a slightly different angle on “Raising Victims”.

I want to look at the effects of childhood trauma not on how the child gets trained to being treated by others, but, instead, on the later development of their own habits and lifestyle choices which will contribute to adult health problems, shortened longevity, and quality of life issues; choices like diet, activity level, alcohol consumption, drug use, etc.

In other words, I want to look at how we ultimately become victims to ourselves.

If you’ve followed some of my previous blogs or read any of my books, you know how much I emphasize the deleterious effects of disconnects from others on our emotional health and the things we do to try to feel reconnected or ‘alive’ again.

For example, a wife doesn’t feel emotionally connected to her husband and uses “retail therapy” in order to fill in the emptiness that the disconnect creates.

Or the man who doesn’t feel particularly connected to anybody in his life and uses pornography or alcohol to fill in the emptiness.

The examples are many, and they include all of us eventually; it’s just a matter of finding the right set of circumstances and flavor of acting out behaviors.

But if we look at the very beginnings of disconnectedness in our  lives, it starts in those earliest years of childhood when we’re not feeling connected to our original caregivers, usually the parents.

What makes a child feel connected?

Being Listened to.

Being Validated.

Being Asked some open-ended questions about what they are telling us.

And saving our Comments or opinions for after we’ve done those first three things first.

My LVAC® Technique puts this in mnemonic form so it’s easy to remember: It stands for Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment, and it forces us to connect more and create fewer disconnects.

It works not only with our children, but also with our spouses, our neighbors, and others.

The point is that where there is disconnect, there will eventually exist behaviors and habits which we will use to fill the emptiness created by the disconnect.

This happens all the time.

In all of us.

No matter how subtle.

These habits and behaviors are often of momentary pleasure, but not what we actually want long-term.

The ultimate forms of disconnect in childhood are created by frank abuse (emotional, physical, sexual) and neglect.

And there are many, MANY roads to these situations and they happen in ALL sorts of families, even the ones who “look good” on the outside.

Furthermore, it is often true that, other than in cases of frank abuse, parents don’t even know that they’re setting their kids up for these feelings of disconnect:

Johnny: “Dad, come here and check this out.”

Dad: “Not right now Johnny, I’m busy.”

Sound familiar?

Of course if does because we do it all the time!

And that in and of itself is no crime! BUT, constant dosages of “Not right now Johnny”, or, “No!”, start to add up to a lack of feeling truly connected to the parent.

Disconnect creeps in. Destructive behaviors will eventually develop to fill it.

Or how about:

Sally: “I’m scared about what will happen in school tomorrow in math class.”

Mom: “Well, you should have studied then, shouldn’t you have?! Instead of spending all that time on Facebook!”

Now, most of us would agree that mom IS correct here, but where’s the empathy? (Before all you folks jump down my throat, yes, I DO understand that maybe this was the billionth time Sally has done this, etc.) But let’s also be careful about the temptation to ALWAYS blame or Comment immediately without first showing some empathy and understanding, otherwise…

Right!

D-I-S-C-O-N-N-E-C-T-!

The problem is, we love our children so much that we often Comment before we’ve truly Listened to and Validated their feelings.

But remember, it’s not any ONE particular episode; it’s the steady accumulation which causes disconnects to occur.

And the more disconnected that child feels from us today, the greater the emptiness they will feel inside themselves later on, and the more they will develop habits and behaviors which will be destructive to their health, quality of life, and longevity—habits and behaviors which will help them feel momentary relief from the pain or numbness or emptiness of the disconnects within.

Whether they eventually call it “boredom” or “frustration” or “anxiety”, the problem is that food, alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling, risk taking, thrill seeking, etc., will then be used to temporarily make them feel better.

And then will come the weight issues, the cholesterol and type II diabetes problems, the liver and kidney issues, cancers of various kinds, heart attacks, strokes, and the list goes on and on.

The unhealthy habits and behaviors of our lives as “grown-ups” become the vestiges of our early childhood disconnects from traumas that occur in childhood, both large and small.

And I want you to know that there is a direct connection between these habits and behaviors—meant to ease the pain and fill in the emptiness of the disconnects within us—and eventual health problems, quality of life factors, and lifespan itself.

So, yes, let’s most definitely study and examine the relationships between diet, lifestyle choices, substance abuse, and various “stressors” and our overall health—an approach which we term Primary Prevention in the medical profession.

BUT let’s also look further back to the emotional traumas and the ensuing disconnects of childhood which play such a major role in laying the foundation of PAIN which we try to dull or escape by making unhealthy choices in these areas in adulthood.

And before you say, “But that’s all in the past—I’m over it now”, please let me add: You may THINK that you’re over it, but examine your habits and behaviors—especially the unhealthy or destructive ones—and THAT’S where your pain is still hiding, alive and well, my friend.

Many wishes for your continued healing,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First).

www.LVACNation.com and www.DrFerraioli.com

People often come to my office with this question implicit in their presenting problems, (e.g. ‘anxiety’, ‘depression’, ‘anger’, marital problems, work problems, etc.), without realizing that at the heart of their issue lies an unspoken and often unconscious question: “Is this it?”

In fact, the way we often express this question is more through our behaviors than through actually recognizing it; behaviors which are often destructive, i.e. the so called ‘acting out’ behaviors like drinking too much or doing drugs, pornography and affairs, emotional neglect of the marriage and/or the children, inappropriate spending, and self-sabotage at work, among other things.

Of course, the antidote to all of this aimlessness and angst is found in two difficult but healing words: settling down.

What do you think of when you think of those two words?

Honestly?

Do you think, “I’m settling!”

Or, maybe, “I’m down!”

Notice how these two simple words can have such negative or threatening connotations.

In fact, some analysts have argued over the years that one of the major reasons for human pain and suffering, including so many of our anxieties and fears, has to do with our ultimate and unconscious fear of death; in other words the fear of our human mortality. We never settle down because that means the next step is death.

There is even a school of therapy style which actually starts with dealing with death anxiety, and goes from there, in the belief that once we get that dealt with, we will, eventually, settle down and begin living our lives.

This may all be well and true, but the idea I’m presenting here is actually not that deep or profound.

What I’m saying is that, at some point in our lives, we all need to agree within ourselves to certain assumptions about our lives, so that we can build the rest of our lives upon that solid foundation.

Let me say it again, since it’s really at the heart of the matter:

At some point in our lives, we all need to agree within ourselves to certain assumptions about our lives, so that we can build the rest of our lives upon that solid foundation.

Let’s take marriage for example.

So many people eventually “fall out of love” and get divorced that I actually wrote a book about it, (Don’t Get Married! Unless You Understand A Few Things First, Oct.2010).

It is my belief and experience that, unless there is violence, drugs and alcohol, habitual infidelity, or indifference, a marriage is what I call an ‘innocent’ marriage.

And in the case of an ‘innocent marriage’ gone bad, a major core part of the trouble tends to be that one or both spouses have not yet truly decided to “settle down” with each other.

In other words, they’re not “all in”.

Another way of saying it is that they’re not committed.

Picture a three legged race: Now, if the tie that binds your leg to your partner’s is made of string, it will be much easier to break than if it were made of leather or chains.

In the former situation, as the race progresses onto rough and unfriendly terrain, the partners may decide that it’s just too much of a hassle to continue on with their legs tied together, and they may therefore decide to break the string.

But in the latter scenario, the one where the tie is made of either leather or chains, the partners are committed. That means they’ll have to come up with new ways– maybe entirely different ways– to make it through the event.

It’s really just a case of necessity being the mother of invention.

That is, the latter partners, in being committed to one another, are quite literally forced to come up with different solutions and perhaps even an entirely different path, than the uncommitted partners who decide to break off from one another because it is too difficult to continue together.

The problem is that this couple also misses out on the opportunity to experience something outside the realm of their prior experiences; they cannot see or feel what it would have been like to do the race together, only the old feelings and picture of how they’ve always done it in the past.

The bottom line is that the partners who committed were forced to grow, both as a couple, and as individuals.

And I would argue that the same idea holds true for some other parts of our adult lives.

We need to settle down.

We need to consciously and deliberately commit; to ourselves, to our spouses, to our children, to our communities, and to our work and avocations.

Only then will we have some important, fundamental assumptions for ourselves upon which we can, once these things are settled, build a foundation or platform from which we can spring upwards and outwards, full force, into our lives.

G.K. Chesterton, who lived a hundred years ago, was NOT a psychologist or psychiatrist, nor was he a fan of same. In fact, he sort of trashed psychotherapy (I didn’t take it personally), saying, in essence, that it was like Catholic confession (he was an atheist-turned-Catholic convert, but that’s another story) without the absolution.

But if you get a chance to read any Chesterton, (his book ‘Orthodoxy’ would be a good one to start with I think), it will enrich your life and give more flavor to this idea of “settling down”.

As was Chesterton, I too have been taught, by both observation and experience, that without the purposeful and deliberate step of committing to some things, we are at great risk of continuing on as free floating and overly intellectualizing children of our time; we remain ultimately indiscriminate and uncommitted to all things.

And it’s only a matter of time before we are eventually haunted by the question, “Is this it?”

On the other hand, and paradoxically, commitment leads to freedom.

In other words, if I spend ALL of my years searching and running, running and searching, I’ll never get to see or feel what happens when I put into place and accept certain givens and build a life upon them as best I can and as best as my talents and energies will allow, which is no small accomplishment.

We can always tell our children, “Okay, settle down now”, but it is much more difficult to tell the child within ourselves to do the same thing.

And hey, we’ve got to start somewhere if we’re going to finally let the rubber hit the road and stop spinning our wheels!

All the best to you and yours,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, “Don’t Get Married! Unless You Understand A Few Things First”

Websites: www.DrFerraioli.com and www.LVACNation.com

One of the distinguishing characteristics of these calls is that the person on the other end of the line has often already been, or is wondering if they need to be, labeled with a particular mental disorder.

Now, in some cases, as with the seriously and chronically mentally ill population, (e.g. disorders like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder), the person WILL eventually need to be diagnosed with a serious mental illness and treated with medications, sometimes heavy-duty ones with heavy duty long-term side effects.

However, I must say that the practice of psychiatry has come to a point of near ridiculousness when it comes to over-diagnosing and over-medicating people way too soon in the process, and way too much in general.

The great majority of people who contact me looking for a new doctor are NOT chronically and seriously mentally ill.

However, too many of them have already been “diagnosed” and even “treated” for conditions like bipolar disorder or ADD. In fact, I couldn’t begin to keep track of how many people have either diagnosed themselves or their loved ones with bipolar disorder just by watching a T.V. commercial about a drug used to treat this condition.

“Hi Doc, I think my husband is bipolar.”

“No, your husband is probably a bit of a pain in the @ss, but he’s NOT bipolar.”

And if, per chance, the “patient” happens to be a young person between the ages of, say, 13 and 30, then, for sure, they’re going to somehow “fit” criteria for bipolar disorder:

What other age group has soooo many “mood swings”?

What other age group is soooo impulsive or unpredictable?

What other age group is soooo risky in their behaviors?

What other age group is soooo likely to jump around from thought to though in their conversations?

“Hi Doc, I think my child has attention deficit.”

“Yes, there IS an attention deficit, but we may need to look further at where exactly it lies.”

Other favorites among new callers are ADHD and Adult ADD:

Can’t concentrate at your stressful job?

Thoughts seem to hop around in your head?

Are you easily distracted, especially when stressed?

Do you feel “wired” and fidgety on the inside?

Lacking follow-through?

“Of course!”, you say, “I have all of the above!”

The Problem With All This

The problem with all of this over-diagnosing and over-medicating too soon and too much is threefold:

1) It can be dangerous:

The newest marketing techniques involve direct-to-consumer T.V. commercials. Patients then take that information and bring it in to their primary care doc or psychiatrist and the rest is history. They don’t know that some of these medications were originally designed for schizophrenia or bipolar disorder and are now “FDA approved” (don’t get me started on THAT topic) for conditions like major depression as well. But the problem is that other drugs are also available for major depression which do not carry as high a side effect profile as what they might have just seen advertised on T.V.; side effects like high cholesterol, high blood sugar, and heavy weight gain tendencies. Just keep this in mind: heavier meds originally designed for more serious conditions often=heavier side effect burdens even if “only” being used for moderate depression. Of course, in cases of very severe depression, we can and should augment with some of these medications, but not as an everyday first line option.

2) It can distract us from the underlying problems, wasting years of someone’s lifetime:

If you’re 18 and someone tells you that you “have bipolar” and starts you on a mood stabilizer or antipsychotic medication, you may be in for years worth of chasing different pills and pill-manager type M.D.s in order to get the “right” combination of psych meds. At the same time, you may be allowed to be left totally ignorant of the fact that there are underlying themes which need to be processed in good therapy work that can absolutely change your symptoms and brain chemistry over time. But the option of customizing any medication use over time depending on what’s happening in the therapy work gets lost in the patient’s “hope” of finally having a “diagnosis” and a “cure”. The focus becomes pills in cases where it should have been therapy work plus or minus pills. On the other hand, this also points to the absolute importance of saving serious psychiatric diagnoses like bipolar disorder for the people that truly qualify for them, so that proper, often life-saving, medications can be started and maintained.

And, finally:

3) It can play on people’s hopes of finally feeling better:

A lot of trust is placed on us doctors. We take a Hippocratic Oath in which we swear to practice medicine ethically and with the interest of the patient first. People come to us in hopes of feeling better; that our training and our experience can help guide them towards relief of their pain. I hate to say it, but medicine has become like any other business in which the old saying, Caveat Emptor, (“buyer beware”), now holds. If you go to a doctor who only prescribes medications, you’ll get a medication. Which is why, especially with psychiatric issues, it’s best to see an M.D. who is also a therapist as well. I like to tell people that you need to find a psychiatrist with the heart of a psychologist or social worker. In fact, if I were seeking psychiatric care, I’d ask prospective providers, “How do you feel about treating personality and circumstance-driven issues?”, instead of, “I think I might have bipolar or ADD.” The former question will likely weed out providers who are primarily med-driven, whereas the latter will produce too many who are willing to medicate you. Again, and as I’ve qualified in each of the other two circumstances above, this does not hold for that minority that actually does, in fact, have a major psychiatric disorder such as severe, debilitating major depression, bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia. Proper diagnosis, sometimes over time, is absolutely essential before putting pen to prescription pad.

Which brings me back to the title of this blog:

Don’t Go to a Hot Rod Shop for an Oil Change

If my car seems to need an oil change, or maybe a bit of maintenance or repair work, and I take it to a Hot Rod Shop, something quite interesting may very well happen.

That is, they may do a fine job on the oil change, if they remember to do it at all, but I may also come out of there with a super-charged engine, extra fat tires, a sports transmission, modified exhaust, and racing stripes to boot. And I may still need to eventually get that oil change and core maintenance work done on my car.

But who could blame them?

For that’s just what they do. And, after all, they aren’t breaking any laws. In fact, they’re probably very well respected in the community and have lots of experience.

So, I’d say that, in the face of all this, let’s just be careful about who’s shop we (and our families) walk into in the first place, especially if you’re planning on the long term and not just on a quick quarter-mile drag race.

Sincerely,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, DON’T GET MARRIED! (UNLESS YOU UNDERSTAND A FEW THINGS FIRST)

www.LVACNation.com and www.DrFerraioli.com

Of course, for many of us, these plans often fail and, hopes dashed, we are back to the proverbial drawing board. How frustrating!

But WHY do we fail?

Dreams, Wishes, and Having Hope

I think that, more than in any other area of our lives, we are often neglectful or even oblivious to our dreams and wishes.

In addition, we are often in a chronic state of loss of hope without even knowing it.

 All we do know is that we might feel ‘bored’ or ‘empty’ or ‘tired’, or even irritable, anxious, or depressed. Out of sorts. Not settled.

If you were to ask someone today how they might define hope, what sort of answer do you think you’d get?

I believe that without hope, our dreams and our wishes have no chance of coming to our conscious awareness, much less to fruition.

And two of the earliest casualties of lost hope are the loss of our wishes and our dreams.

Humans are Romantic Animals

Like it or not, we humans are not only ‘social animals’, we are also Romantic Animals in the broadest sense.

By this I mean that we need hope to survive and we need our dreams and wishes in order to thrive.

You can have all the money in the world.

You can have the blessings of good health, community, and family.

You can have great traditions as well as a mind open to change.

BUT, in my estimation you have nothing without your dreams and wishes.

And you have even less without hope.

Faith

When I use the word ‘faith’ in my office, people often quickly jump to religious conclusions.

I happen to be Catholic, but the use of the word ‘faith’ in the sense I mean right now is a more general faith in our lives.

Do you have this kind of faith?

When life brings you challenges, do you have a sense of faith that you’ll get through them?

When things don’t turn out your way, do you have faith that you’ll learn something by the way they DID turn out? About the situation? About yourself?

Do you have faith in your fellow humans on some level or another?

With loss of faith there is loss of hope and you already know where that leads.

Back to Those Pesky Resolutions

I believe that part of the reason why we humans tend to fail in our resolutions and in our attempts at reconciliation in our lives and in our relationships is that we do not have a firm foundation of: 1) faith in our lives, 2) hope for the future and for future generations, and, 3) the wishes and dreams that come forth from those two things.

Instead, we tend to take our moments of relative unhappiness or misery and suddenly decide to Change Things or that ‘Things Must Change’.

And what we often get as an end result is a chronic cycle of momentary acknowledgement of unhappiness, followed by momentary commitment to change, followed lastly by loss of momentum and ultimate stasis and discouragement.

Work on Hope and the Rest Will Follow

Look, we’re all mortal beings.

Our lives, as far as I know, have beginnings, middles, and ends.

Knowing this, we must adjust our expectations and our understanding of what life is and what it is not.

Life is NOT designed to be a series of major epiphanies, followed by superficial resolutions accompanied eventually by ultimate failure and frustration. This only faithfully reproduces the search for the next Big Thing and the continuation of the cycle ad infinitum.

Great for talk shows, but not so much for our real lives.

Life IS, in part, made up of a defined amount of time on Earth during which we can cultivate a sense of gratitude and hope in our everyday lives.

Hope is what produces proper behavior with our spouses and children.

Hope is what clears our minds for engagement in the work we are drawn to do in the world.

Hope is what fuels the bonds of friendship and community.

Without hope there is chronic fear, anxiety, and despair.

The Rest is Up to You

So go home today and be thankful and hopeful.

Say one positive thing to your spouse. Let them feel that you cherish them.

Listen to your children speak their concerns to you. Focus on them.

Then, I guarantee you that your resolutions and reconciliations will take care of themselves, every day, not just on New Year’s Day.

In faith and hope,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, DON’T GET MARRIED! (UNLESS YOU UNDERSTAND A FEW THINGS FIRST)

www.LVACNation.com, www.DrFerraioli.com

Now Dwight, who is of Amish heritage in the series, makes it no secret that he grew up on a farm and that he was raised with some of the same practical, minimally materialistic, no-frills ways of his ancestors: thus, clothes by the pound.

Just give me the right materials, says Dwight, crafted into some solid, quality clothes, and I’ll buy them by the pound with no need for further details other than fit.

So, what’s all this got to do with trust?

TRUST BY THE POUND

The other day, as happens on most days in my life, I was talking with someone about their relationship, and, more specifically, about how one might go about choosing a good spouse to build a life with; in other words, what to look for by the pound.

I remember telling this person that I myself would look for ‘trust by the pound’.

Another way of saying this is that I wouldn’t necessarily look for the usual niceties and ideal behaviors we’ve come to expect and to even thrive on early in our relationships. (Remember the ‘idealization phase’ that I talk about in my marriage book?)

No, you can keep your gifts, your sweet tone with me, your doing little things for me, etc., although these things are nice; because I also know that they are often fleeting, temporary, and only available during the initial, idealization phase of a relationship. Furthermore, I know that these things often have very little to do with who the other person actually is in the long run.

You know how it goes: We are on our very best behaviors and we are also willing to overlook many things (many things!) when we are ‘in love’ or when we think we’ve found our ‘soul mate’.

For me, when I say, ‘trust by the pound’, I’m thinking about how I want my children to choose someone when it comes time; I’m thinking about core characteristics of a person’s character and personality.

I’m looking for the heavy stuff, not the window dressing.

I’m looking at whether the person is a cup which can hold water, or more of a chronically ‘leaky’ cup.

Do they know (or want to learn) how to live a good life, connected to others and to their work in the world?

Are they willing to question themselves and to grow?

Are they consistently empathetic in their behaviors towards others in terms of seeking to truly understand, listen, and learn? Do they display compassion? And not just in the beginning and not just when they stand to gain something immediately in return.

Do they seem engaged in their lives; in their relationships and in their work and other activities?

When they say, “I love you”, do they have or are they trying to grow the Emotional Competence to back these words up.

Can they commit, and do they really understand commitment?

WHAT ‘TRUST BY THE POUND’ DOESN’T MEAN

Looking for trust by the pound doesn’t mean looking for perfection.

None of us are perfect, and we’ve all made our mistakes and have hopefully learned from them.

It also doesn’t mean initial great behavior or attitudes which fade when the person’s true colors eventually become clear.

Let me observe someone for a day or two and I can generally tell you how much trust you can safely have in them without getting severely hurt or ending up feeling completely betrayed when they ‘change’.

I’ll be looking for how they conduct themselves with the wait staff at a restaurant.

I’ll be looking for how closely they follow through on what they tell people they are going to do.

I’ll be looking for how honest they seem to be with themselves and how at peace they appear to be in their own skin.

I’ll also, and perhaps most importantly, be looking for their willingness to learn and to grow as a person.

WILLINGNESS TO LEARN

If there’s one thing my work has taught me over the years it’s that I have great admiration and affection (I just can’t help it!) for the people I’ve met who are willing to learn about and humble themselves even when what they are seeing or feeling about themselves isn’t to their liking.

These are the people who, in the long run, can carry the most ‘trust by the pound’ from us.

All the best,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, DON’T GET MARRIED (UNLESS YOU UNDERSTAND A FEW THINGS FIRST)

Websites: www.DrFerraioli.com, www.LVACNation.com

(Please don’t forget to tune in to WNYT NEWSChannel13 this coming Saturday morning at 8am when I’ll be talking to Dan Bazile about what goes into making a healthy marriage. Then, if you’re in the Clifton Park, N.Y. area, please stop by Borders Books where I’ll be doing a book signing and hanging out a bit from 1pm-3pm. See you there!)

How often do you find yourself actually asking questions and taking an exploratory stance or position; i.e. trying to learn and to truly understand?

How about the other people in your life? Do you notice the ones who really seem to want to understand where you’re coming from as well as more about the greater world around them? How do you feel about them? My guess is, it’s a positive feeling.

THE TEMPTATION TO ASSUME

I think that we are all constantly tempted to assume, categorize, generalize, pigeon-hole, and otherwise quickly and expeditiously dispatch with what people say to us and what is happening around us in our lives.

Think about it for a moment.

Can you remember the last time you and your spouse DIDN’T give each other a quick, one or two word answer or comment in response to something the other person said? How about the last time you asked each other some questions about what was being said in order to help clarify and to learn more about the other person and what they were really meaning, feeling, or thinking?

“Honey, I’m a little worried about next week.”

“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll be fine.”

Wow. What do you notice about this little interchange?

What is evident to me is that the first person stated that they were worried, and the second person simply made a comment. Now there may be several reasons why they did that.

Maybe they just needed to make themselves feel better, so the comment helped end the discussion.

Or perhaps they felt that by saying, “don’t worry, you’ll be fine”, they had helped and addressed the other person.

In the end, they probably meant well, but were simply unaware that there is a different way.

SEEKING TO UNDERSTAND

When we seek to truly understand people, events, and life in general, we must ask questions. This behavior, as opposed to commenting right away, is literally a paradigm shift for most of us.

Asking questions does several important things.

First, it engages the other person.

Second, it allows and helps the other person to think through the topic at hand.

And third, it gives both you AND the other person the satisfaction of feeling that more has been truly understood and communicated between you than maybe might have been in the past.

Let’s take that last one again because it’s so important:

It gives both you and the other person the satisfaction of feeling that more has been truly understood and communicated between you.

THE IMPORTANCE OF FEELING UNDERSTOOD

It is VERY important to most of us that we feel understood, at least and perhaps especially by the people we care about and who care about us.

Children, for example, grow quiet upset when they are feeling misunderstood by their parents or siblings. And when they are first born, it is literally vital to their very survival that their needs (i.e. and thus they) are understood by their caregivers.

When we grow up, we are still yearning to be understood, and, in a way, on a subconscious level, we still feel it to be vital that we are understood. Thus the immense emotional importance of feeling understood and the buildup of disconnect and resentment if we are not.

When my spouse says something to me and I make a quick, summarizing, or concluding comment in response, quite often I have not fully understood her, nor has she felt fully understood by me.

The result, over time, is disconnect and loss of emotional trust. Eventually, resentment ensues.

IF IT’S IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO SAY, THEN IT’S IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO BE UNDERSTOOD

The way I see it, if someone, especially a loved one, goes through the trouble and expends the neuronal energies of putting thoughts together and transporting those thoughts from their brain, through their nervous system, and to their mouths, then I should at least make a deliberate effort to understand what motivated those thoughts and, ultimately, those words.

Doing so is also a sign of respect, and a sign of caring for and about that individual. It builds trust and it builds the kind of emotional connection which builds healthy and mutually supportive relationships, which is what we humans thrive on.

LVAC= LISTEN, VALIDATE, ASK, COMMENT (IN THAT ORDER)

You can remember to get into an exploratory or learning stance with someone by following my simple mnemonic, LVAC®, which stands for Listen, Validate, Ask, then Comment last, if at all.

By doing this, you will automatically switch into exploratory mode, and you will help yourself bypass that natural human tendency to want to Comment first.

Children Comment first, and it’s okay. Emotionally competent adults (like us!) really do need to learn to Listen, Validate, Ask, and Comment last.

In other words, we adults need to learn that we need to first learn. We need to seek to understand.

SIMPLE ADVICE

Someone once told me that good advice has to fulfill two criteria: first, it needs to be as timeless and as universal as possible, and, second, it needs to be simple and true.

Using these two criteria, I want to give you this simple advice: Do not make it a habit to assume.

When a loved one, or anyone else, talks to you, don’t automatically assume you know what they are talking about.

Instead, Listen to them and Validate what they’re saying to you with a simple head nod or “uh-huh” so they’ll keep talking to you and explaining themselves.

Then, by all means, use your voice and your command of the language to Ask them some questions.

This way you can be sure that you’ve given them the chance to express their heart to you and that you BOTH will come away feeling closer to one another and better understood.

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.
Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

Sometimes it’s losses we’ve suffered and the people who won’t be with us for the holidays.

Sometimes it’s bad childhood experiences which are amplified evermore by the general emotionality and intensity of the season.

And sometimes it’s simply the great buildup of expectations, energy expenditures (and other expenditures), family reunions and celebrating together, and earnest hopes for joy and good, lasting changes for the new year which put stress on us.

It’s this third scenario which I’d like to talk about.

HANDLING EXPECTATIONS

How good are you at defining and handling your expectations of special occasions?

What DO you expect this holiday season? Have you, in a deliberate way, given yourself just a few minutes to ask this question?

It seems so ironic that one of the first things that happen to us humans around more intense, special times like the holidays is that we disconnect from ourselves.

You know the way it goes:

You’ve waited so long for the Big Event, there’s been so much buildup and so much fantasizing about how it will go, who you’ll see or won’t see, the impression you’ll make, the things you’ll talk about or do together…all of this and more.

THEN, by the time the actual day or days come, you’re so riled up and disconnected that you don’t even enjoy it.

This is often the dynamic behind the “holiday blues” which so many people face each year; there’s just no way that the reality can match the fantasy, and disappointment abounds. That, plus the disconnect within ourselves by that time, all adds to the distress and unease we feel.

LEARNING TO BE PRESENT AND DELIBERATE

What if, the next time you face a Big Event or holiday, you make a promise to yourself to remain present and to deliberately experience the people, places, and things that surround you?

You don’t have to control it.

You don’t have to perform or please.

And you don’t have to expect.

How would this be different for you?

I’ll never forget back when my wife and I planned our wedding (read: she planned, I nodded yes a lot).

One of the most striking parts of the experience for me was hearing my wife say that she planned to enjoy her wedding day.

Enjoy it?

As a budding psychiatrist, still in the turmoil of medical school back then, the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind; nowadays, it never leaves it.

SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE ENJOYED, NOT JUST SURVIVED

Can you imagine, this holiday season, letting yourself enjoy the ride?

If you are playing host to some of it, can you be true enough to yourself not to totally exhaust yourself and disconnect from yourself while preparing?

When we are exhausted and disconnected, we not only seldom enjoy the event itself, but our behaviors towards others is also less intimate and true. After all, if I’m totally stressed out and over-tired, I really won’t have anything left to actually connect with anyone.

And if I haven’t the energy to connect, then I may miss an important chance to re-connect with some important people in my life, and that includes myself.

FORGIVENESS AND EXPRESSION OF LOVE DURING THE HOLIDAYS

With some of that extra energy and connection with myself and with others, I may even be in a position to do what we hardly ever get to do in a deliberate way in our adult lives: forgive and express love.

When is the last time you told a sibling you loved them?

What about the last time you helped one of them (or someone else) understand that you forgive them, either in words or in deed?

Can you picture yourself giving them a big hug, maybe even a kiss (okay guys, stop laughing), and telling them that you love them and wish them good health and happiness? Life is short, and, unfortunately, the generations come and go so quickly. As the old Italian saying goes, “They grow up and we grow old.”

So many of our disconnects, both within ourselves, and within our families, begin with neglect of these relationships in addition to any actual affronts which may have occurred. This means that when we do not tend to these relationships, eventually bad feelings can seep into them even when nothing in particular is wrong, leaving us disconnected and estranged.

BEST WISHES TO YOU

Let me help you start the ball rolling by wishing you a loving, warm, healing, and connected holiday season!

Now, go out there and pass THAT on to your loved ones!

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

www.LVACNation.com and www.DrFerraioli.com

(I want to remind you that I will be doing a book signing at the Borders Books in Clifton Park, N.Y. on January 22^nd 2011 from 1-3pm for my new book, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First). We’d love to see you there!)

Do you think about Switzerland?

Or do you think about not taking sides, or about not caring either way about a particular issue?

DEFINING ADULT NEUTRAL

Well, I have a completely different definition of Adult Neutral for you, a behavioral one that has to do with what I call True Adult Emotional Competence.

When we are behaving in an adult neutral way, we are behaving in an ‘emotionally clean’ way.

In other words, we are NOT reacting based upon our past hurts and subconscious agendas.

Adult emotional neutrality is a deliberate mode, not a reactive mode. We are ‘clean’ of our childlike states of mind and habits, where there is usually someone to blame or where we are somehow a powerless, agitated victim who is enraged, rejected, abandoned, or betrayed.

Though these things may really have happened to us in childhood, they are often NOT really happening the same way in our adulthoods, but the feelings ARE the same. The problem is that we are often BEHAVING and REACTING based upon these old wounds and feelings without even knowing it, thereby hurting the people around us in our lives today.

So, for example, when I am behaving in an adult neutral way with my spouse, I am NOT in a reactive mode with her, letting all of my childlike impulses and conflicts rule my behaviors with her. Instead, I am behaving in an emotionally clean way, without all of the emotional noise of my past controlling me.

Example:

“Honey, there’s been a change in schedule and I need to take the kids to an extra rehearsal tonight, so we’ll have to postpone dinner until late.”

Non-Adult Neutral Response: “Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me! Again! This is always happening now, ever since they got that new music teacher….”

More Adult Neutral Response: “Wow, …okay, so we’ll have to figure out how this will work. Call me later, hon.”

Notice how, in the first response, I went with my knee-jerk, reactive, childlike response to a particular turn of event in life, which happens all the time; there is really nobody to blame, but I blamed and became angry anyway. I created a maelstrom, or maybe a tornado. Batten down the hatches, here comes the angry victim child!!!

Not very adult. And definitely not emotionally clean of my childlike behaviors and reactions. The past has ruled the day, and my present, true adult self is buried somewhere deep beneath it.

AND, now my wife has another child to deal with; not good for the trust or the intimacy between us. (See my other posts on trust as a vital component of Emotional Credibility in marriage, or read my book, Don’t Get Married! Unless You Understand A Few Things First, for more on this kind of trust.)

IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME

My friends, we behave in non-adult neutral ways all the time.

At home.

At work.

At the store.

With our neighbors and friends.

With our kids.

This last one is particularly damaging, because we lose our professional role as parents when we treat our children in non-adult neutral ways and we become their peers.

Example:

“Dad, can you help me fix this?”

Non-Adult Neutral Response: “What?! Again? What did you do?! I’ll help you, but this is the last time!” (Like a child throwing a hissy fit; might as well be a non-cooperative, selfish, not-so-nice friend instead of a parent. And that’s exactly the amount of respect and trust that will be earned by the ‘parent’ here.)

More Adult-Neutral: “Fine, but you’ll have to give me a couple of minutes, I’m in the middle of something.”

In the first response, the father is upset at being interrupted and pulled away from whatever he was doing (or from nothing at all in particular). His childlike, reactive self feels put-out, cheated, and perhaps even threatened and betrayed by his child’s request. Maybe subconsciously he’s still a child who is fighting to not be controlled or intruded upon by his mother or father.

Plenty of noise there from the past. Not clean. Not adult-neutral.

Of course, he doesn’t actually consciously know any of this; he just reacts to it.

Although these examples may seem a bit obvious and extreme to your particular situation, they do illustrate what we ‘supposed adults’ do all the time.

That is, we may LOOK like adults and we may do our jobs like adults, but, often, in the way we comport ourselves with others (especially with our loved ones), we do not BEHAVE like neutralized adults; we are, instead, still ruled by our pasts.

EMOTIONALLY COMPETENT BEHAVIOR IS ADULT NEUTRAL BEHAVIOR

True, adult, emotionally competent behavior is Adult Neutral behavior. It is clean of the voices and hurts of the past which have embedded themselves deeply into our subconscious minds and therefore into our behaviors and reactions. Whether it was our parents’ reactivity towards us as children or other early influences and traumas, you can bet that these voices and hurts of the past ARE HERE, NOW, big time within us!

You can also bet that they will have continued rule over us, and our current behaviors, unless we constantly work to neutralize them.

It’s okay to fail; just don’t ever give up.

Good luck,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

www.DrFerraioli.com and www.LVACNation.com

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

People suffer from anxiety. And it’s often because they are not doing what they are supposed to be doing. Now, please bear with me for a moment and I’ll explain.

The specific kind of anxiety I’m talking about here is what might be called ‘free floating’ or ‘general’ anxiety. (Not to be confused with the psychiatric diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD, though there is some commonality.)

The reason we often feel so ‘out of sorts’ or ‘generally anxious’ is that we’re disconnected with ourselves.

‘Oh boy’, you’re saying, ‘there goes Ferraioli again with the stupid disconnect.‘

Well, sorry, but, you’re right, I am talking about that again!

You see, the problem starts when we’re very little kids. The adults around us have their own problems; they’re distracted, busy, depressed or anxious, self-absorbed, addicted (alcohol, shopping, work, etc.), or whatever else.

They’re not particularly in tune with the kids, and certainly not practicing LVAC®. (You might recall that LVAC® is my mnemonic/acronym which stands for Listen, Validate, Ask, Comment.)

What most of us got in childhood was reverse-LVAC, in other words, Comments FIRST!

“Don’t do that!”

“Why did you do that!”

“Why are you doing that!”

“Get over here!”

“Don’t talk to me like that!”

“Don’t talk to your father/mother like that!”

“I said so!”

“You never listen!”

“How many times have I told you…!?”

In addition to various punishments and punitive tones, we dealt mostly with the agendas of the adults through their various Comments about our behaviors or our words.

THIS is where the disconnect begins, which is a lesson to us parents today with our own kids. If you want to promote a healthy, whole child with less anxiety and therefore less disconnect within themselves, learn and practice LVAC® with them!

The process of Listening, Validating, and Asking open-ended questions helps the child finish their full thoughts and feelings within themselves and with us.

When we short-circuit this process by Commenting first instead of last, we make the child lose their internal emotional bookmark, i.e. where they were going to go with their thoughts and feelings.

This latter process is THE most important one to allow our children to participate in because they learn about themselves as they’re trying to talk to us about things. Short-circuit the one and you also short-circuit the other.

Now, back to our anxiety.

One of the long-term side effects of not getting enough of an LVAC® approach is that disconnect we were talking about a minute ago. Well, guess what?

That disconnect is also a disconnect from ourselves in terms of what we 1) want, 2) don’t want, 3) like, and 4) don’t like.

If we’re disconnected from those fundamental aspects of who we are (in fact, I call those four things The True Self), how can we really know what we’re supposed to be doing anymore or ‘where we’re supposed to be’?

Now you see?

If I’m so disconnected from my internal world that I no longer have a sense of what I should be doing that would truly represent who I really am, in other words, what I really want and like, then I will suffer from free floating anxiety.

Now you say, ‘Okay Ferraioli, but I can’t exactly go back to my childhood and get any of your “L-VAC” can I now!?’

You’re right again!

So here’s what we have to do to beat that free-floating anxiety: begin to pay attention to what your instincts are again.

Since childhood created the disconnect, we must use adulthood to re-connect with ourselves by cultivating, in a Deliberate sense, like you would at your job, a sense of who we are again.

Start to listen to the little voice-instinct in you; the one that says, ‘I’ve got 10 million things to do today, but what I REALLY want to do is XYZ.’

This may be hard at first. In fact, it may be very hard indeed.

You may find yourself having to make some difficult decisions. Model airplane club not doing it for you anymore? Drop it and see what grows for you next. Weekly get together with the ‘fellas’ turning into a drag? Let it go and see what comes up in your heart to do instead. Book club draining you? Ask yourself why and if the answer is that it just generally doesn’t do it for you, then it must go.

The point of all this is that it will take courage and a Deliberate attitude and focus to help your disconnect heal.

Once you find out where you’re supposed to be and what you’re supposed to be doing, whether that means for this moment, for this day, or for the longer term, your anxiety will diminish.

Eventually.

Keep in mind that at first you may actually experience an increase in anxiety because you’ve spent years, maybe decades following a beat that was never actually yours to begin with (remember all those disconnect-producing Comments you dealt with and internalized somehow or another?)

Let’s use a quick example.

Say you’ve woken up on a Saturday morning with tons of things to do and you’re about to go through your list in a robot-like fashion and ‘get it all done’.

That may be very appropriate in some cases, but let’s also say that, upon examining your list and deciding what’s absolutely vital (e.g. child care issues, home maintenance, paying bills, health care issues, etc.), you come to some items that are neither vital, nor of particular interest to who you really are. Yes, who you really are actually counts now and we need to make room for it.

Nobody said tackling free floating anxiety would be easy.

Now, if you’ve decided that some of those items could go, take some time to be with yourself and ‘listen’ to what you ‘hear’.

A friend of mine once told me that, no matter where he was or how packed his schedule seemed to be, he could always narrow down ‘one absolute thing’ that he wanted to do that day. He would always try to make that thing happen, no matter what, and, he often found that the other, less important things would fit their way in around the ‘one thing’ anyway.

Life is short.

Let’s you and I make sure that, in addition to fulfilling our various, vital obligations in our lives, we also practice tuning in to ourselves to find out what we are supposed to be doing as well.

In other words, let’s actually live too, shall we?

All the best, and decreased anxiety to you,

Anthony Ferraioli, M.D.

Author, Don’t Get Married! (Unless You Understand A Few Things First)

LVAC Nation!

Cobwebs and Ugly Wallpaper

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